Of men and women (part 1) John O'Dea on the eternal differences between the sexes. You might just learn something…

A woman, to whom I was recently introduced at some social gathering or other, called me sexist and a chauvinist. According to her I made fun of women and all things female in my contributions to this and other publications and thus owed women in general an apology.

So I consulted with my better half, my daughters, my secretary and other women about what they thought of men in general and these are the results. I hope that the lady in question and any other women that I might have inadvertently offended will accept this as an apology.

What women think about men
Men think that they are the superior sex.
Just because their muscles are stronger than women's, they have this silly notion that their gray matter is also superior to a woman's. What women lack in physical strength, they make up for in mental superiority. The reason why most men sleep with their mouths open is because their brains constantly need oxygen. Lack of oxygen is what makes men snore.
Men spend a lot of time denying their shortcomings, which is why they never get anything done.
Women have to nag them for days just to get them to get off their fat behinds and do something useful. The only time that a man will ever finish something is when it is time to watch a football match on TV. This means that the best time to nag a man is right before the game starts, after which there is no point in trying to talk to him because he will answer you in the male's universal language – a grunt.
Men really watch sports on TV, just to have an excuse to drink beer.
Why do men drink so much beer? Do they really think that beer bellies look cool? If beer did not exist men would die of thirst. Who invented beer anyway? It must have been a man. No woman would invent a high calorie drink without using cream and sugar.
Men always accuse women of nagging, but the reason why women nag is that otherwise nothing gets done around the house.
Men buy hundreds of liri's worth of power tools, wrenches, spanners and other tools, but never buy essential items like washers to stop taps from dripping.
Men have a hard time choosing clothes.
They pick several outfits that mix and match and then wear them over and over again till they fall apart. If a particular shirt or top is dirty, they can never find another top to match their pants. Women have shoes and bags to match every outfit that they own. Men are boring. They only need two pairs of shoes – black and brown. If one pair is at the shoemaker's they are unable to wear half of their wardrobe. Men are unable to go shopping alone. If a 40-year-old male still doesn't know the length of his inseam, it must be psychological denial.
Men are hopeless at managing money.
They complain about a few items that the wife charged on the credit card, but conveniently forget about the new computer they just bought. They always want to control the finances and make the investments. It makes them feel superior to talk about the stock market – whether or not they understand the stock market at all. If men are so good with money, why do they keep losing the change from their pockets under the sofa cushions?
Men are too involved with their careers.
They spend all their time and energy on their jobs and are invariably too tired for sex. However they are never too tired to think about it, which they do all the time. Men have three favourite things and they all begin with "S" – Beer, Football and Sex. Why do these words begin with an "S" you ask? Because beer sucks, football is stupid and sex is too swift.
Men like to unwind (?) by watching TV.
However they cannot watch TV without a remote control. When the remote control was invented, men lost their ability to use knobs and switches and they became obsolete. Men have to have a remote control for the TV, for the VCR, for the DVD player and for the Stereo. Men love gadgets and electronic toys. The VCR is simply another electronic toy that blinks and beeps. Chances are, most men do not remember how to use the TV the VCR, the DVD player or the Stereo without a remote control and since books are not operated by a remote control, they can't look up the instructions.
Mind you, men hate asking for instructions on how to do things.
They also refuse to take lessons on anything except, perhaps golf. This is because in most things they hate admitting that anybody knows more about anything than they do. With golf, however, they reckon that nobody but nobody can explain why golf balls never land where they are supposed to land.
With so many portentous things on their minds, men never remember birthdays or anniversaries unless somebody reminds them. They're probably trying to forget that they're married and have children, but it won't work. Women remember and make sure that they remind them. When it comes to gifts, men always buy something expensive because either they are too lazy to look for a bargain, or because some good-looking salesgirl talked them into it.
Men also have a habit of doing things that are offensive like belching and passing wind.
They expect women to understand. Why should women understand? Men should understand that women are offended by such crass behaviour and refrain from doing things that offend their sensibilities. Women are sensitive to these things. Women also hate it when men get that glazed far away look in their eyes when women are talking to them. How can a woman explain anything to a man, when the man is not listening?
Unlike men, women are not sexist.
They just want to set the record straight about who is in charge. Women still like men despite their many faults and this shows how forgiving and understanding women are doesn't it?