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sacred
cows
Of men and women (part 2)
John
O`Dea enlightens us on what men think about women.
Be warned, it's not pretty
Last week, I wrote about what women think about men and my drinking
companions down at Ninu's Bar in Attard – where on a Saturday
lunch time I partake of several scotches and appetizers – accused
me of letting the side down.
So we put our heads together and came up with what we think that
men think about women in general.
What men say about women
The truth about women is that you can never please them.
They spend their lives waiting for a man to do something wrong,
just so they can say, "I told you so". Women never stop
talking. They are born to nag. They like to nag so much that they
even manage to find fault with men while men are asleep. They claim
that men snore. This is a load of rubbish, because no man has ever
heard himself snore.
When a woman is not nagging, she is complaining.
Something is always wrong with her. She has her period, she has
a migraine, her back is bothering her, and her feet are swollen.
Women always want to go to doctors. Men hate going to doctors and
will wait until they are almost dead before admitting they are in
pain.
Women do not appreciate men and how hard men work, even though men
work mainly to support women.
Women constantly nag men to do petty chores like taking out the
garbage, drying the dishes and weeding the garden – chores
that are demeaning to a man's dignity.
Women waste too much time cleaning the house.
If women have so much energy, why not spend it on doing something
useful like washing and polishing the car? Women also spend too
much money and effort in decorating the house. They do this because
they enjoy shopping and spending money. Why do they need to spend
hours shopping? When a man wants something he just goes into a shop
and picks up what he needs.
Women take better care of their children than they do their men.
If a child has a minor accident they rush him inside, medicate him,
put plaster on the injury and give him a hug. If a man trips or
falls down, he is accused of indulging in alcoholic beverages.
Women are always nagging men about cholesterol and calories.
Why can't women be satisfied with watching their own calories? Men
are seldom overweight. They just suffer from a minor weight distribution
problem, causing everything to settle in the middle and nether regions.
Women always make mountains out of molehills.
They are trivial. Just because a man brings in part of a car engine
and repairs it on the kitchen table, they come down on him like
a ton of bricks. Women want their home to be perfect. They expect
a man to be a do-it-yourself expert and do all sorts of home repairs.
Then when a man accidentally messes something up and has to call
in a professional to repair the damage, women get upset and call
the man all sorts of names.
Women are very jealous creatures.
Just because a man spends a wee bit too much time ogling a girl
at the beach, they accuse him of being a lecher. They don't understand
that it is a man's duty to check out the talent and report back
to the other men, preferably over a beer.
Actually a man is better off as a bachelor.
He does not have to shave or wash dishes every day and a ring in
the bathtub does not necessarily mean that he is a dirty person.
It means that he does not like to spend valuable time cleaning the
bathroom, when he could be doing something else like watching TV.
Women need to get their priorities right.
Women always want to go out and socialise.
They love doing charity work, where they can natter and gossip under
the pretence of doing something useful for the community. Men hate
these things. They would rather stay home and watch television –
something that is entertaining, does not talk back or try to dance
with them. Speaking of television. Women will never understand why
men need more than one remote control. Any man will easily explain
the need for two or more.
Women think that the need to pass wind or belch is obnoxious.
They don't understand that these are natural bodily functions that
should not be controlled. Women also insist that sleeping should
be done in a bed and not on the sofa. Ridiculous.
There is no way to satisfy women.
Sex with them takes too long. If a man can get into a mood without
foreplay, why can't they? Women are totally impractical. They expect
to be given stupid gifts such as flowers. They expect men to remember
the dates of their birthdays and anniversaries, even though the
events happened years ago. Any man will tell you that the only sensible
gift is a big screen TV with a satellite receiver. Women do not
understand the taste of a fine cigar, a good pipe tobacco, or a
single malt. Women think that men smoke and drink expressly to annoy
them.
Men do not try to engage women in meaningful conversations.
The only meaningful conversations that men are interested in are
about politics, football and Megan Gale's vital statistics. Women
always accuse men of not listening to them, which is of course true,
because men have developed this genetic ability to tune women out
when they're going on about something, which does not interest them.
It takes a woman forever to get ready to go out, while a man takes
less than ten minutes.
When the woman is finally ready, she wants to be complimented about
how she looks. If the man tells her now good she looks she will
accuse him of being up to something. If on the other hand the man
criticises her or passes a negative comment, she will accuse him
of being insensitive and lacking taste. That is why men rarely pay
women compliments. They try to avoid polemics.
When the woman is finally ready to go out and the man has passed
muster, the woman will always insist that the man should drive,
so that she can criticise his driving.
Women make are overly cautious and make awful drivers. They have
so many accidents because men drivers have to knock them out of
the way to overtake them.
I hope that I've set the record straight about the difference between
men and women from men's point of view. Of course sexism is just
a fabrication. It just does not exist at all.
©
The Garlic Press 2001 |
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