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sacred cows
How Raymond found love on the Internet
John
O`Dea's alter-ego professes his innocence. Love on the Net can
be tricky for the seriously naive
Some weeks
ago, I received the following e-mail:
My Dear Raymond, I am a 20-year-old golden-haired virgin and your
greatest admirer. I can no longer suppress my desire for you:
I must have you. Nothing would thrill me more than to be by your
side, but I am short of funds and require money for a taxi fare,
and an elegant new outfit in which to greet you. Could you see
your way into loaning me Lm500?
Your ever-loving and devoted, Sephora.
I was so delighted, that I felt giddy. I had long been yearning
for a meaningful relationship with a member of the opposite sex,
and it was clear to me that this dear girl was the very flower
of Maltese womanhood. So, I wrote out and signed a cheque to Miss
Sephora for the amount she had requested.
Weeks passed and, although the cheque had been cashed, there was
still no trace of my love. I even went to the return-address that
she had listed in Valletta, but only found an abandoned boathouse
near the fish market. It was clear that I was the victim of a
vamp, a loose, heartless woman of intrigue who saps the souls
of men! Never again, I vowed, would I permit such a siren to capture
my heart and purse strings alike!
Then, just yesterday, I received the following e-mail:
My Darling Raymond, I apologize most deeply for my neglect of
you. But it could not be avoided, for when I was ready to board
the taxi to come to you, I received word that my sainted mother
had fallen gravely ill. I ended up using your generous funds to
nurse her back to health at a private hospital. Now that she has
recovered, I desperately want to join you. But I shall require
Lm1,000. Besides needing the necessary taxi fare, I am in considerable
debt with the hospital, as my family does not have health insurance.
Fives, tens and twenties preferred. I would be most grateful.
Still your beloved, Sephora
Sweet girl! Only her beauty exceeds her charity! How could I ever
doubt her sincerity? Oh, I am fairly swooning with passion for
this pure maiden, who rivals the Virgin herself for sheer goodliness!
Good Miss Sephora, you shall have your money presently!
I've got a sweetheart! I've got a sweetheart! Her name is Sephora,
and not only does she claim that I am her beloved, but that I
am her tootsy-wootsy, as well! Oh God, I am as giddy as a dish
of jelly!
I have not yet seen Sephora with my own eyes. Our courtship is
solely one of the written word. You philistines wouldn't understand,
but our correspondence bespeaks a love that exists only between
those of the loftiest spiritual proclivities. To demonstrate,
here is an excerpt from one of her missives:
That I cannot be in your loving arms sends me into the deepest
throes of grief, precious Raymond. But my work at the orphanage
must continue. I am convinced I have received a calling to do
the Lord's work. Your previous monetary donations have been abundant
and generous. But only this morning, 12 new foundlings were left
at the orphanage door, just as funds are again quite low. I feel
ashamed to ask you this, sweet Raymond, but could you send another
Lm15,000? Again, the customary fives, tens and twenties are preferred.
As you can see, Miss Sephora is a living saint and, she assures
me, a virgin, as well. She has also enclosed a photograph of herself
and she is exceedingly beautiful
I have just received a e-mail from my sweetheart, Miss Sephora,
that says she has given birth to a bouncing baby boy of my own
siring, and that I should please send more money as she intends
to enrol him in a private school. I am a father! I realize that
this joyous news may confuse you, since I undertook my romantic
friendship with Miss Sephora just two months ago and we have never
actually mingled our procreative appendages or even laid eyes
on one another. But throughout my existence, I have learned that
life often takes unexpected twists and turns, and who am I to
question it?
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