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this week
Kiss
me. I'm Irish
How
was it for you? Although John O`Dea has green blood in his veins,
he celebrated St Patrick's Day in Maltese style
Last night I was invited to celebrate St. Patrick's Day with some
friends at an Irish Pub. The celebration, if you could call it that,
consisted of drinking several pints of Guinness and Kilkenny in
what is an interior designer's perception of what an Irish Pub should
look like and watching ‘River Dance' on the big screen. Somebody
told some Irish jokes, somebody else told some dirty jokes, and
another guy broke into song and was told to pipe down. And that
basically was that.
This is not how St. Patrick's Day is celebrated in Ireland and in
America. St. Patrick's Day is like the feast of St. Paul in Valletta
and all the other village festas rolled into one great big humungous
street party, celebrated from one end of the country to the other
and across the Atlantic. In Malta it's a gimmick to kick-start beer
sales in spring.
As fourth generation Irish and a member of the Clan Au Deaghaidh
of Inchiquin in County Clare, I feel that I should enlighten you
on the subject of Irish Myths, Traditions and Green Beer.
St. Patrick is said to have Christianised Ireland and rid the island
of snakes. Very much like St. Paul, except that whether or not St.
Paul actually landed in Malta is debatable. There is also some dispute
about whether or not St. Patrick actually rid Ireland of snakes,
as scientists have agreed that pre-ice age continental drift is
a more likely explanation of the dearth of snakes in Erin. Be that
as it may, this proves that it's not what you do that really matters.
It's whom you know. If you know somebody high enough in the media
that can start a convincing rumour that you're responsible for some
fortunate coincidence, you're made for life. A case in point is
Pawlu Muscat.
I'm not entirely convinced that either the Irish or the Maltese
enjoyed being Christianised as Christianity took all the fun out
of sex, by making it a marital duty and then only for the purpose
of increasing and multiplying. This resulted in huge population
shifts to the new world, which as everybody knows is run by the
Irish and the Maltese.
The Shamrock is the emblem of Ireland. According to tradition, St.
Patrick used the shamrock to explain the concept of the trinity-wine,
women and song.
A Colleen is an Irish girl. When you're in your cups, it's easier
to remember one name than a lot of individual names, so in Ireland
all young girls are called Colleen. An older woman or an ugly girl
is called a Collie.
The Blarney Stone is a legendary stone in Blarney Castle, which
when kissed is said to impart to the kisser the gift of the gab
and persuasive powers. The large majority of tourists that visit
Blarney Castle are politicians.
The Leprechaun according to Hollywood is a frightening mythical
creature that attacks human beings in low-budget horror films. In
cartoons it is generally portrayed as a ruddy cheeked, bulbous nosed,
vertically challenged individual, wearing a green hat, green clothes,
with great big metal buckles à la Mintoff on his hat, shoes
and holding up his breeches. The Leprechaun is said to lead people
to the pot of gold, buried at the end of the rainbow. Europe here
we come. To be sure, would Joe Borg be a leprechaun do you ken?
Erin Go Bragh – Ireland forever or the Irish version of the
wonder bra. It offers wonderful support and comes in forty shades
of green. To be perfectly honest, I've seen Erin wearing it and
she's got nothing to bragh about. She is more of a ‘collie'
than a ‘colleen' and I've seen better-looking eyes on a potato.
Luck O' The Irish. Whatever the CNI or their guest speakers say,
and I state this with my tongue firmly in my mouth and not in my
cheek, the Irish economic miracle really happened. Wish that some
o' the luck would rub onto the Maltese.
Shillelagh pronounced Shillalla is a cudgel of Oak, Blackthorn or
other hardwood. In Maltese, Shillelagh is commonly used as an expletive.
Cead Mile Failte pronounced Kay me fall shuh is an old Irish saying
meaning a 100,000 welcomes, which is what you get when you step
into a genuine Irish Pub. In Malta you should consider yourself
lucky if you rate a grunt.
Slainte means ‘To your health'. To pronounce it pretend you're
sloshed and say ‘It's a lawn chair'.
Green Beer is only available on St. Patrick's Day in America and
is basically Budweiser with green food colouring. Up till a few
years ago, some US breweries used to produce a special green brew
for St. Patrick's Day, however the FDA stopped this for health reasons
and also because beer drinkers were staining walls and public urinals
green. Only in America would anybody consider drinking green beer.
And finally an Irish blessing:
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
©
The Garlic Press 2001
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