opinion

When tragedy is made even more unbearable

Miriam Dunn hears about the lack of support available for people whose loved ones have committed suicide

Dealing with the death of a loved one is always traumatic and if that death is sudden, things are always going to be harder.

But when someone that you are close to commits suicide, the aftermath left for a friend or relative to come to terms with takes on proportions of a completely scale, as one woman knows all too well.

Susan’s story begins four months ago, when she came home to the flat she shared with her partner, John, to find that he had hanged himself.

This alone was difficult enough to deal with, especially when Susan had been trying, to no avail, to persuade doctors that she suspected her boyfriend was very depressed and may attempt to take his own life.

But the reactions she found to the tragedy and the lack of support afterwards twisted the knife of grief in even further.

Susan explained that right from the start, people found it difficult to know how to react to the tragedy and what to say to her, including the paramedics, police and lawyers who arrived at the scene.

"There was a lot of interrogating and questions, but no one offered any support," she said. "I think that because it was a different kind of death than what they were used to, like a traffic accident, people simply didn’t know what to say. They felt awkward, and also scared."
Then there was the issue of the funeral – another aspect of the whole tragedy that caused extra pain.

Susan said that when she spoke to the Curia, they informed her that it would be impossible for her boyfriend to have a "normal" funeral.

"They said they would bless the coffin, but they could do no more than that," she said. "There were two issues, one that we had been cohabiting and two that he had killed himself."
She added that in the end, the Church agreed to hold a funeral, but she suspected it was partly because her boyfriend’s brother, who was a priest, also lent his voice to the cause.
This was traumatic enough, but it was after the funeral that Susan really found herself lost in an abyss of despair.

"I just couldn’t find anyone to turn to," she said. "I found there was no help or support – even priests I contacted didn’t know what to say. I kept calling the 179 supportline, but although the volunteers were supportive, it is, essentially, a referral line and it soon became evident that there wasn’t a support group for suicide survivors.

“One volunteer talked of giving me a number for a widows’ bereavement group, but this wasn’t what I needed at all."

Susan found that some friends began keeping their distance, because they were scared by what had happened, or perhaps embarrassed about what to say.

"Some of my closer relatives told me to put it behind me," she said. "But although I knew they meant well, I didn’t want to sweep the whole tragedy under the carpet. I wanted to deal with it before I moved on."

When it became apparent that there was no support set-up that would be able to help Susan, she turned to the Internet, which proved to be her lifeline.

"Through the Internet, I found two supportlines in the US and began exchanging e-mails with people about their own experiences," she said. "Just hearing about what they were going through and how they coped was a huge help."

But the fact that she had to go to such lengths to find other people to share her experiences with also made her think about the possible consequences of the lack of support services on offer.

"I was having panic attacks and crying all the time," she said. "At my lowest ebb, I had even reached the stage of contemplating suicide myself.

“There is no doubt that it becomes easier to contemplate when someone you love does it."
Susan said that although she was prescribed sleeping tablets to help her cope with the initial trauma, she knew there was a wealth of emotions she needed to work through.

"There are feelings of guilt, of failure that you didn’t save the person," she explained. "But at the same time, you feel anger and resentment with them, after all, in some ways it was almost as if you had been in love with a murderer, because they took a life - the life of the person you loved. Then, on top of all this, you are coping with the loss of a loved one."
Now Susan is playing an active role in setting up a support group for suicide survivors, which she hopes will help people like herself.

"We want to encourage people who have been struck by this tragedy to find the courage to come forward," she said. "We know they are out there, and many of them must feel very isolated. We hope that the group will bring together people who have perhaps felt cut off, and give them a chance to share their experiences, without being judged."

For more information on the suicide survivors group, telephone 497093 or e-mail sasgroup@hotmail.com

Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved