this week


DIY erotica

John O`Dea delves into the realm of interactive story-telling. The result is in your hands

Last week I met Vince, an old friend, whom I had not seen for years. Amongst other things, he reminded me of something that happened to us when we were thirteen years old and very, very naïve. He had found an erotic book under his older brother’s mattress and we spent a week furtively reading this book with steam coming out of our ears. One phrase that I never forgot was "She rubbed her breast against his chest like a blunt pencil of desire." Man! That was hot! Our imaginations and hormones ran riot.

Vince suggested that I take a crack at writing a funny erotic story, but since the things we find erotic are so intensely personal and since this is a family newspaper, I found it difficult to know what would please everyone and not offend anybody’s feelings. After all one person’s treat is another person’s violation of some penal code or other. So, I thought I would offer you a do-it-yourself erotic story that allows you, the reader, to fill in the details yourself. I hope it makes you tremble with the flickering of awakening excitement/ drool with desire/teeter on the brink of release/laugh. Take your pick.

(He/She/It/They) looked deep into (my/her/his/their) (eyes/mouth/nostrils/ears/cheque book), (trembling/quivering/whimpering), with (desire/cold/passion/conjunctivitis). I longed for (his/her/its/their) sweet (embrace/kiss/lollypop).

Tenderly I reached out and (caressed/licked/poured some ketchup on) (his/her their) (breasts/bottom/pulsating shrine to the goddess of love/kneecap/eyeballs). I could tell from the look in (his/her/their/its) eyes that my (teasing/runny nose/hip replacement operation/eating of strawberries and cream from surprising places) was having an effect on (his/her/their) (round globes/treasure trove/bowel movements)

(Don’t stop/Woof/Aaaargh/Now/ Look what you’ve done to the sheets/Ay Ay Ay No Alpi Tour) cried my lover(s). By now I was (trembling/quivering/drooling/knock kneed) with the force of my (lust/passion/need to go to the bathroom/craving for an espresso and a cognac to go with the strawberries and cream). With a (devilish/incredulous/sheepish/sleepy) gleam in my eyes, I reached under the bed and brought forth another surprise.

Relishing the cry of (fear/joy/dismay/raging lust) I brandished the (feather duster/riding crop/ tin of WD40). Breathing like a horse, she flailed her head from side to side and (his/her/its) small hands took a death grip on my (neck/pink nipples/mouse). Her nails dug tiny craters into my (forearms/varicose veins/keyboard) as she rode the (waves of (pain/ostrich feather) that was (burning/pruning) the pit of her (rose bushes/barbecue). The muscles in her (legs/buttocks/eyelids) quivered under my ministrations not unlike those of a young (colt/goldfish/water buffalo/hippopotamus) as I sent (waves of pleasure /promotional material /e-mails /jets of water) through her (perfect body /eyeballs /nostrils /cappuccino).

I looked into (her /their /its) sparkling (blue /crossed /watery) eyes and realised there and then that I could not use the (feather duster /riding crop/tin of WD40) on my lover(s). I had (titillated/ aroused/feather dusted/sprayed) (him/her/it/them) to the tops of plateaus that (she/they/it) had never glimpsed before. As our (molecules/check books/noses/gluteus maximus/%@@*&~#) (joined together/became one/climbed the ladder) I knew that at last I had found (true love/fulfilment/where the whipped cream had dribbled on the sheets). Rocking back and forth in a (frenzy/delirium tremens/need to go to the bathroom) I threw my head back as I (climaxed/ sneezed/felt a cold canine nose on my inner thighs) and cried (Woof Woof to you too/help/Wazzap/I knew I should not have eaten those oysters).