this week

Nuke them. They’re everywhere

There’s an enemy close to home. Dare you see what lurks beneath, asks John O'Dea

Leafing through the newspapers last week, I came across an advert that screamed KILL THEM. THEY’RE IN YOUR BED EVERYDAY. At first I thought that somebody had gone totally paranoid about Osama Bin Laden’s followers, then I read on and realised that it was an advert for a powder that kills Dust Mites.

In case you’re not aware of it, Dust Mites (Dermatophagoides Pteronyssinus) are microscopic creatures that live in our houses. In fact between 100,000 and a million Dust Mites live in your bed and eat the dead skin that you shed. Apparently all of us constantly shed little bits of skin and this dead skin is considered as steak and potatoes for the average Dust Mite. While you’re lying in bed, snoring and dreaming of whatever it is that you dream about, these little creatures that look exactly like creatures in low budget movies are supposed to look, (they have eight hairy legs, no eyes, no antennae, a mouth part which resembles a head and a tough translucent shell) are feasting on discarded skin. Your skin.

I know. It’s gross. It’s depressing. But it gets worse. Right now at this very moment, you are possibly carrying hundreds of thousands of Dust Mites upon your person. You’re sitting on them. They’re living in your hair, in your eyebrows and horror of horrors, down in the private areas where the sun don’t shine. I hate to be the one who’s telling you this, but you have a right to know.

There seems to be a news blackout on this. Somebody is covering up. Our homes, not to mention our persons have been invaded by nightmarish flesh eating bugs from hell and there’s no mention of it in the media except for an advert for a new CFC-free spray that is claimed kills Dust Mites, their larvae and eggs, DEAD.

As I see it, it’s only a matter of time before these little monsters get sick of eating dead skin and start going after skin that is still attached to us. Hopefully they’ll go after the lawyers and the politicians first, but there’s no guarantee of this.

Government needs to create a task force to examine the Dust Mite threat and come up with a solution that will contain and exterminate this menace. This solution, like other solutions before it will cost a ton of money but ultimately will not work. However since everything that politicians do is promoted by press conferences, it will definitely get TV and media coverage and make the public aware of the danger that we’re all facing. It wouldn’t hurt to get Bondicini or Xarabank interested in the topic either.

Perhaps you think that I’m over reacting. Perhaps you think that we can co-exist peacefully with our little friends the Dust Mites. After all, they too are part of the Creator’s wondrous plan. Maybe we do need Dust Mites, because without them we’d be knee deep in piles of our dead skin. But each and every Dust Mite poops an average of 20 times a day, and that’s a lot of poop. Dust Mite poop releases powerful allergens into the air, which bring on asthma attacks, eczema, runny noses and sneezing in sensitive people and can be a serious threat to asthma or allergy sufferers. Do you still think peaceful coexistence is an option? I thought not. NUKE THEM. THEY’RE EVERYWHERE.

© The Garlic Press 2001.