Dear readers,

I am a pale shadow of Chef Dougall, alias ‘send-an-unsigned-email-to-Michael-Falzon’ and of Kcina Maltija fame, but please try and enjoy this typical Maltese recipe. It requires special ingredients and a unique culinary touch.

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Ingredients:

1 billion liri in debt entrecôte
Zero-tolerance nutmeg
18 years of governance red wine
Children’s Allowance cranberries
‘An abundance in conflict of interest’ leaves
Reams of resignation letters pastry strips
No shame watercress
Honesty cheese
Vision onions
Breast screening programme colouring
15-year-old fermented Mater Dei filo pastry
Oak barrelled Tonio Borg gravy strain
Detention centre pods
Cost-your-proposals pizza pastry
Election budget reduction
Josie Muscat citric acid
Untaxed overtime vinaigrette
Richard Cachia Caruana herb
Michael Falzon (MLP flavour)
Gonzi sweetener
Sant homemade vinegar
Harry Vassallo stick
Dolores Cristina droppings or Chris Cardona droppings
Where’s Everybody powder
(Divorce fat)
Jason Micallef curry
Joe Saliba red peppers

Preparation:

Take 65 VISION onions and cut finely and fry.
Then take a 1 BILLION LIRI IN DEBT entrecote and mix it with 18 YEARS IN GOVERNANCE red wine and place in the 15-YEAR-OLD MATER DEI filo pastry. Place and stuff in a smallish pyrex bowl.
Stamp on it with your feet until it fits.
Take some HONESTY Parmiggiano reggiano and pour some SANT homemade vinegar; use a Penza sieve. If you have overdone with Sant vinegar take some JOSIE MUSCAT citric acid and carefully pour in a few drops. Take care not to overdo it.
Taste, be conscious of Josie Muscat’s acidity effect. If Muscat does not do it, add some DETENTION CENTRE pods. This should do the trick, but they must be wet, humid and soggy. Forget about the love thy neighbour rule; it does not really make sense when it comes to detention centre pods.
To neutralise and remove the overwhelming influence of detention centres add 1ml of OAK BARRELLED TONIO BORG gravy strain. For some flavour please also add some miniscule DOLORES CRISTINA droppings. If Dolores Cristina droppings are not in stock turn to CHRIS CARDONA droppings.
Then very suddenly sprinkle some BREAST SCREENING PROGRAMME colouring, this is crucial for an artificial effect. Importantly, drop a few spots of GONZI sweetener.
Then give the wonderful delicious concoction 18 years to grow and when the time is up, add some WHERE’S EVERYBODY powder. Be careful that the blend does not BONDÌ. This particular sensitive step can ruin the whole preparation. Remember WE powder can ruin the recipe so avoid using too much.
To ensure quick baking, quickly infuse some ELECTION BUDGET reduction. If the aroma is surprisingly sweet, inject a HARRY VASSALLO stick for a bitter effect. Check if the Vassallo stick is green, if not discard.
This is the precise moment to cover the mix with COST-YOUR-PROPOSALS pizza pastry. Now carefully place in an Eddie Fenech Adami oven. And raise the oven temperature to a mark equivalent to 14 YEARS IN OPPOSITION.

Notes: It is very important to remove any DIVORCE fat. Avoid using JOE SALIBA red peppers and/or JASON MICALLEF curry, they will ruin this recipe.

 

Special hints:

The recipe serves 400,000 customers. To serve, garnish with some UNTAXED OVERTIME vinaigrette. For side dishes you can offer a bland and overcooked MICHAEL FALZON the MLP type, remove any snakes that may be perching onto Michael Falzon.
Add some fire to your recipe add some pungent and acrid herb the RICHARD CACHIA CARUANA type. It is important to hold your nose when adding the Cachia Caruana herb.
Avoid using the SERRACINO INGLOTT herb, this particular herb is rather overrated and outdated and applied in far too many recipes, very similar to Parsley. For a real lasting impression, add some CHILDREN’S ALLOWANCE cranberries, then take your mix and give it a U-turn. Do not get perturbed about the U-turn; in this type of recipe it takes place all the time. Never mind the mess, the end result far outweighs the soiled kitchen walls.
Cover with REAMS OF RESIGNATION LETTERS pastry strips and to avoid any overwhelming strong odour grate some ZERO TOLERANCE nutmeg. Please make use of a Charles Mangion grater.
Finally add some greens namely, the NO SHAME watercress and AN ABUNDANCE IN CONFLICT OF INTEREST leafs.

Suggested wines:

Cabernet Billy Chambray 2007, Pinot Ta’ Cenc Borg 2006, Hauteville Cambridge Bewla 2007, Lachryma Vitis Tigné Point 2000, Tokay Silvio Parnis 2002, Chateau Bertu Mizzi 1971
Look out for the ODZ denomination

Proposed Cheeses:

Camembert Smart, Tome Pender, Cheddar Paceville

Discerning Desserts:

Il-Kullhadd Souffle with a touch of fresh Buontempos
Il-Mument Profiteroles laced with sweet John Zammits
Sunday Times Christmas pudding without Maurice Mizzi
Net Tiramisù
Super One Tiramigù
Il-Gens pecan pie

Liquors:

Fernet Independent, Cointreau Austin, Amaro Tony Abela, Eau de vie Louis Grech, Grappa Cassola

Please inform of how your cooking has fared by emailing to:
sbalzan@mediatoday.com.mt