As ‘honest’ as a football hooligan…

I have no idea who came up with the brainwave of celebrating the Nationalist Party’s 135th birthday by erecting a pair of makeshift goalposts right outside the House of Parliament. But whoever it was deserves an instant pay-rise. 

For you see: that’s the same House of Parliament we hired the best architect in the world (at the highest possible cost) to design for us… and which, until a few weeks ago, was considered such a priceless artistic masterpiece, that we couldn’t even bear the thought of sullying it with the presence of a temporary hot-dog stand in the vicinity. 

Well, it has now been reduced to the unofficial ‘changing rooms’ for a five-a-side amateur football tournament… by the same people (if you please) who had howled the loudest about aforementioned hot-dog stand: not to mention the plan to relocate the Valletta market to nearby Ordnance Street… i.e., even further from Piano’s masterpiece than the PN chose to plonk its own goalposts and orange traffic cones. 

I mean, honestly: other countries would pay good money for a display of that sort of outrageous hypocrisy. It would be called ‘political satire’, and the commentary would probably be provided by TV host John Snow. 

But for once, let’s resist the temptation to simply point out where and how (for the zillionth time) the PN has succeeded in contradicting itself in the space of a few weeks. For a change, let us pause to admire the sheer beauty of this latest own goal… for I think you’ll find there is a certain symmetry, a certain subliminal ‘je ne sais quoi’, that makes of this latest cock-up a truly monumental work of art in its own right.

Naturally, I can’t confirm that this was indeed the intention behind the stunning visual message sent out by the PN this week: but intentionally or otherwise, the net result was to transform Malta’s House of Parliament into a passive spectator of the sort of football match that screaming street urchins would play (traffic permitting) in every untidy corner of every town and village in Malta and Gozo. 

Off-hand, I just can’t think of a more thoroughly suitable visual correlative for the state of local politics at the moment. It looks and feels exactly like a training ground for the youths’ section of the local parish football club. For not only does the game of football in itself blend well with the game of politics – for reasons I shall come to in a sec – but even the choice of ‘moveable goalposts’ and ‘orange plastic cones’ seems to underscore that what we are ultimately dealing with here is something intrinsically amateur in scope. 

By inviting comparisons with schoolyard football antics, the image only reinforces the point that we can expect precisely the same stamp of schoolyard dilettantism from political parties, too. And sure enough, that is exactly how political parties have come round to behaving in the early 21st century: loudly crying ‘foul’ at every opportunity, and always running to complain to the ‘referee’ (be it the European Commission, the local regulator, the law courts, etc.) in the event that a ‘decision’ does not go their way.

But subliminally, the PN’s impromptu football pitch in Valletta touches upon a far deeper psychological connection with the not-so-beautiful game. It also illustrates the point that it is not just political parties which generally behave like football teams in this country. Their supporters, too, are very often indistinguishable from your average football fan... and sometimes from your average football hooligan. 

In both scenarios, you will find that ‘loyalty to the club’ is a question of irrational dogma. Over the years I have heard countless people say things like, ‘I was born a Nationalist/Labourite, and will die a Nationalist/Labourite!’… in exactly the same tone as others might say: “I was born a Juventus/Man U supporter, and will die a Juventus /Man U supporter!”… even though we all know that this is complete nonsense. 

The truth is that not a single human being in world history has ever been ‘born’ a football fan or political supporter. On the contrary, every last one of the seven billion specimens currently on this planet was actually born a blind, naked, screaming baby, with no inkling whatsoever of the existence of either ‘politics’ or ‘football’… or indeed of anything at all, except perhaps their own empty stomachs.   

But then again, it is pointless expecting rationality and accuracy when dealing with this sort of brainless emotional attachment. Political supporters are neither rational not truthful when talking about politics: otherwise you wouldn’t hear them defending their beloved party even in the face of inexcusable behaviour… in exactly the same way as a diehard football fan would angrily object to a referee’s decision during a game.

“No way was that offside, ref!” you’ll hear a typical football fan shout during a European Cup qualifier or a Champion’s League quarter final. And even when the Action Replay subsequently shows that… erm... yep, that was a very clear-cut case of offside there: from every conceivable angle, the linesman had no other realistic option but to raise the flag and annul the goal… still, the dark mutterings will continue for the rest of the match. 

One set of supporters will eventually come away from the encounter fuming at having been ‘cheated’ out of victory, by a decision that – even though perfectly correct – was somehow detrimental to their beloved team’s chances of winning (and therefore clearly ‘wrong’).

How different is that from local politics? No different at all. And there is an underlying reason for the similarity… though I somehow suspect that neither football hooligan nor political supporter will ever be able to properly see it.

Let’s face it: the sort of unswerving, unthinking emotional attachment exhibited by both the football hooligan and the political party zealot can only be irrational, because it is itself the product of a phenomenon known as ‘stupidity’. Any intelligent, thinking human being would immediately spot the logical impasse inherent in such childish thought-processes… the fact that so many people don’t – and often willingly refuse to – merely indicates that these people do not actually ‘think’ about their convictions at all.

If such people ever did actually ask pause to ask themselves the fatal question – but WHY do I support this or that team/party? – they would also find themselves justifying a sense of allegiance that is entirely independent of how either football team or political party actually performs. 

Let’s stick to football for the time being. You will never hear a football fan saying: “I support Juventus (or Chelsea, or Inter, or Bayern Munich, or whatever) because I have enormous respect for the ethos of a club that is entirely honest and consistent in all its dealings...” 

The reality today is that football clubs can’t be honest or ethical, because the rules of the game itself militate against honesty. How many times have you seen a player go down in the penalty area… only to writhe about in agony for all the world as though he’d just dislocated a hip or broken an ankle? Yet no sooner is the penalty awarded, than hey presto! Back to his feet the ‘wounded’ player instantly springs… in some cases, performing a cartwheel to celebrate the unfair advantage his dishonest tactics have earned for his team.

That sort of blatant dishonesty has become so intrinsic to the game that players are sometimes berated for NOT resorting to such subterfuge. I myself have heard earnest football fans lambasting their own team’s striker for exhibiting a rare moment of honesty and sportsmanship on the pitch: “He should have dived for the penalty!” they’d angrily cry… even though it was perfectly obvious that no foul had been committed, so the penalty (if given) would have been unfair.

The bottom line is that to be a ‘fan’ of something as utterly dishonest as a football team requires a special ability to suspend one’s own ethical and rational considerations indefinitely, where these conflict with one’s emotive attachment. One must perforce blind oneself to the ugliness of the object of one’s affections… otherwise, the sincerity of the emotion would be simply impossible to achieve in practice. 

Politics is exactly the same on all counts. And to fully appreciate the implications of the unhealthy, unwholesome and quite frankly idiotic emotive attachment to political parties, you have only to absorb the ‘real’ messages simultaneously sent out by the PN as it geared up for the Independence celebrations. 

While his party’s PR department was busy marking the side-lines for the new PN football club outside Piano’s parliament, its leader Simon Busuttil has been equally busy making speeches about his own ‘honesty’ and ‘integrity’. We were told, for instance, that the difference between PN and Labour is that Labour makes populist noises to attract votes, when it has no intention of delivering on its promises.

“This level of dishonesty requires an alternative from the PN – and this means clean politics, transparency, of giving a chance to everybody, that treats people in a mature way…” Busuttil said.

Yet oh look: the same meeting was also addressed by a certain Manuel Calleja: described in the article as “a former Labour voter, [who] said he had been denied assistance by his local MP and minister after an injury left him jobless”. 

“‘I used to be a Labourite... now I swear loyalty to you, Dr Simon Busuttil,’” Calleja added to tremendous applause.

Jolly good: so a man who expected ‘favours’ from the Labour government, to which he clearly was not entitled (if you are made redundant on account of disability, there are other entities to turn to before involving the minister or your local MP), abandoned the PL and turned to the PN instead: presumably, on the basis that the PN would comply with these unfair requests for political favours, where Labour would not.

And he ‘swore loyalty’, too: loyalty, which is defined as ‘unthinking allegiance’… and which is exactly the same attribute demanded of football fans by their teams.

Meanwhile, a full list of comparable hiccups would be too long for this humble article: but it has become practically impossible for the PN to open its mouth on any subject at all, without completely contradicting an earlier position or statement. 

The decision to clutter Piano’s masterpiece with unsightly football paraphernalia – after having so loudly booed and hissed at the mess made on the same spot by others – is one simple example. Another is the fact that the PN now advocates a further 30% reduction in utility bills, when the same party had criticised Labour as ‘populist’ for promising an ‘impossible’ 25% cut before the last election.

But it doesn’t really matter, you see, for the reasons so beautifully explained in that visual correlative with a street football match outside Parliament. Political parties like the PN can always get away with such blatant contradictions and outrageous political dishonesty… so long as the level of political support it relies upon remains entirely indistinguishable from football hooliganism.