To get my vote, politicians need to look like victorious WWE wrestlers

What are we skinning? The relative qualities of Robert Abela vs Bernard Grech, ahead of the newly announced 26 March general election date.

Why are we skinning it? Because it’s the one thing on everyone’s mind… at least it was until Russia decided to invade Ukraine. But I still think it’s a topic worth considering, albeit with, perhaps, an adjustment to reflect (and perhaps assuage) our global anxiety at the present moment.

What would that adjustment be? I think we should dedicate some time to considering which of the two leaders is more sexually attractive than the other.

The maturity that underlies your political analysis never ceases to astound me. Thank you, and I certainly don’t intend to hold back on my thrusting rigour at such a climactic moment in our democracy.

But I’m afraid it’s all a bit of a non-starter, really. Why do you say that?

I mean, Robert Abela was a bodybuilder, and he’s like a decade younger than Grech. Again, this is where a near-lascivious attention to detail and an ever-penetrating analytical spirit can swoop in to offer some grace.

Impress me, darling. Well, I encourage you to not write Bernard Grech off just so easily. While Abela may still bask in *some* of the residual glory of those candid shots of oiled pecs and puckering calves, Grech has a subtle charm all of his own.

I might concede that he’s something of a silver fox if you squint hard enough. Exactly! And with the screentime we’ve all been allowing ourselves to indulge in over the past few days, given the small matter of a large-scale European conflict threatening to erupt just like that, we’re all squinting anyway…

Yeah okay, but that’s a bit of a low bar. But I don’t think that’s the only thing Grech has up his sleeve. Nevermind the indelible charms of his Clooney hairdo, his squat physique could be the most subtle asset in his erotic arsenal.

How so? Think about it. Abela towers over most of us Maltese, while Grech is at level with us. I imagine Abela would never be terribly comfortable seated…

Yes, it must take some effort to fold those aching muscles to sit for a prolonged period of time. So you get my point. Now… just picture Bernard Grech wrapped nice and squat on a leather armchair, clutching a glass of whiskey and looking at you with his half-a-foot stare…

I’m scared of where this is going. And as we’re re-learning over this past week, fear gets you places.

Do say: “Rating political leaders by sexual allure should never become the norm. Mainly because said candidates are likely to have better access to cosmetics, putting us all at an unfair advantage and scuppering their chances at electoral relateability…”

Don’t say: “Not an ostentatious belt buckle in sight. For a politician to get my vote, they need to look like victorious WWE wrestlers. Yes that includes you, Miriam Dalli.”