Understanding the blended family

A blended family is described as a couple that marries or cohabitates yet has children from a previous relationship. 

Managing blended family dynamics is becoming a major concern for a lot of married and cohabiting couples in Malta. Not all couples share the experience of marrying and living their lives with the one they had children with. While the children may not be biological to both parents, they came with at least one, so the responsibility of parenting another person’s child becomes inevitable. 

Stepfathers and stepmothers need a lot of resources to navigate their new domestic situation, but a lack of resources is due to many people thinking that they will never find themselves as part of a blended family. 

Forming a stepfamily is not a decision to be taken lightly because it takes the average family five to seven years to fully blend. Unfortunately, the statistics for second marriages report a high failure rate, and this is directly related to the added stress of blended family issues. 

During the first international conference on strong blended families held in Malta last February and organised by the Malta Foundation for the Wellbeing of Society, in collaboration with the University of Malta, it emerged that such families need more support and tailored policies. 

The right to social benefits, the stress brought about on the relationship by lengthy court separation cases, and issues surrounding the property rights of stepparents and their rights over inheritance to property were all aspects that need to be better regulated and enhanced. 

The struggles that children face in terms of showing loyalty towards one parent over another were also highlighted. 

There is a vast difference between the care of a biological child and one that belongs to someone else. This concept has nothing to do with love and everything to do with rights. By love, I mean willing to sacrifice one’s livelihood and safety for and forgive under any circumstances. One can treat a child like one’s own, but love is a little different. 

The misconception about the role of a step-parent can be the number one factor contributing to the discord of a blended family. It is my opinion that when people go into situations believing they have full rights to something just because of a position they take on or a title, they are setting themselves up for disappointment. 

I see stepparents stress themselves out all of the time trying to give children who aren’t theirs a life that they would give their own. This is a great gesture, and in some circumstances, such as the death or absence of a biological parent, it is a necessary and appropriate one. 

Some people may see the extra help or support as a threat or an effort to take over, especially if they aren’t secure in their role as a biological parent. Such step-parents will have a difficult time staying in their lane. Staying in his or her lane also prevents a spouse from feeling pushed or coerced when having to make changes or decisions they aren’t ready to make when it comes to their children. Similarly, it makes the step-parent less of a scapegoat should anything go wrong with the change. 

Many stepparents will find success in focusing on establishing a friendly rapport with the stepchild. Hopefully, single adults with children will talk about the issues of co-parenting and blending a family before they try it. Raising children together involves values, parenting and discipline styles, religion and ethnic traditions, which must be understood and agreed upon by the parents. Blended families can be a challenge, but a caring, helpful step-parent can be the best thing that happens. 

Blended families are formed following a loss, meaning that unresolved grief could impact the formation of the stepfamily. They are also at risk for loyalty conflicts where children, partners and ex-partners can become entwined in negative interactional patterns. The increased stress leaves the couple at risk for divorce and another round of grief and loss. 

What is commonly known to work in first-time families may not be true for stepfamilies. For example, in a first-time family, the parent’s marriage should come first, then the children. But in stepfamilies, the opposite is true. Divorce is foisted on children and often presents upheaval and unwanted changes. 

Regardless of the ups and downs that inevitably arise when two families come together as one, a blended family can become stronger than ever. Blood makes you related; love makes you family.