STAR WARS Episode XXXVIII: ‘Joseph Portelli Strikes Back!’

Never mind his failed bid to play for Hamrun Spartans, last year; or even his reported aspirations to contest next year’s European Parliamentary elections as an independent candidate.

No indeed: it seems that there is no actual limit, to young Padawan Portelli’s power-hungry ambitions... as ‘Not-News’ is reliably informed that the property mogul from Nadur is now hell-bent on replacing Senator Palpatine, no less, as the next ‘Evil Galactic Emperor’ in the Star Wars franchise! (And remember, folks: you read it here first... and not on Newsbook, OK?)

But on what grounds could someone like Joseph Portelli – who has never even been initiated into the Sith Council: let alone, become a ‘Sith Lord’ – possibly be eligible to rule the entire Galactic Empire, single-handedly?

Why... none at all, of course! What a silly question. After all: since when has ‘ineligibility’ ever been a problem, for someone who automatically expects even his most outrageously irregular planning applications, to always be approved without question? (And face it, folks: he keeps succeeding, time and time again...)

And on what grounds was he ‘eligible’ to play for Hamrun Spartans, anyway... if not by just buying up the entire football club, and installing himself as its new ‘Head Honcho’, par excellence?

By the same token: he would very easily achieve his new-found intergalactic ambitions, just by buying out George Lucas’ entire ‘Dreamworks’ company... and appointing himself as its new CEO.

And besides: unlike any of his previous ambitions... Joseph Portelli is arguably the best possible candidate, to fill the shoes of Evil Senator Palpatine.

Here are just a couple of reasons why...

1) ‘The Force is strong in this one...’

Despite never having receved any formal training in the Jedi Arts, Padawan Portelli has all too often displayed his own, intense mastery of ‘The Force’.

Recently, for instance, Portelli candidly admitted, during a televised interview, that he often held private meetings with various members of Robert Abela’s Cabinet of Ministers... in which he basically FORCED them all – presumbaly, using ‘Jedi Mind-Tricks’ - to ‘speed up his own development applications’, wherever possible.

Likewise, all the applications submitted by his company, J.P Holdings Ltd, always seem to magically find their way to the very top of the pile, in the ‘To Be Approved’ category (even though the case officer, the ERA, the Superintendence of Cultural Heritage, etc., would have actually dumped them all in the nearest trash-receptacle...)

What other way to explain this mysterious phenomenon, than through the same ‘Force Powers’ that Master Yoda once famously used, to lift Luke Skywalker’s X-Wing out of that swamp, on the planet Dagobah?

No, no, make no mistake: the Force is certainly strong, in young Padawan Portelli. No doubt, Senator Palpatine is already ‘following his career with great interest’.... and possibly, even a certain amount of trepidation (given that Force-Users like Darth Vader, Count Dookoo, and now Joseph Portelli, have a rather consistent habit of eventually turning on their own Emperor... and taking his place, instead).

2. He would have completed the Death Star on time

Let’s face it: the original Star Wars trilogy wouldn’t quite have turned out the same, with Joseph Portelli running The Galactic Empire instead of Darth Sidious.

‘The Return of the Jedi’, for instance, opens with Darth Vader informing the commander that the Emperor himself was on his way to inspect the second Death Star: which was still under construction, at the time...  and experiencing ‘logistical delays’.

It was, in fact, these very delays that allowed the Rebellion to infiltrate the moon-planet Endor, and – with a little help from the Ewoks, of course – eventually disable the Force Field Generator, that would...

... tell you what: it would a lot quicker if you just watched the entire movie for yourselves. Let’s just say, for now, that the Rebellion would almost certainly NOT have managed to defeat the Empire, by the end of the trilogy... were it not for all the problems - caused by intergalactic ‘red tape’ – that hampered the completion of the second Death Star, following the destruction of the first.

But with Joseph Portelli sitting on the Emperor’s throne? The Death Star would have been completed long before the first movie even started shooting... in fact, long before any appliation was even submitted, to the Galactic Planning Authority.

Just like the two illegal swimming pools he excavated, on ODZ land in Qala last year... he would just ‘build first, and apply-to-sanction later’. And hey presto! No delays; no time for the Rebellion to infiltrate Endor; no disabling of the Force-Field Generator; no...

You get the general idea. As an Evil Galactic Emperor, Joseph Portelli would have kicked way more ass, than Senator Palpatine ever did... and everyone (including Palpatine himself) knows it.

Compiled by Raphael Vassallo