What women want

Freud once famously said that, despite 30 years of research into the feminine soul, the one question he could never answer was “what do women really want?”  

I was thinking about this yesterday on Women’s Day as I read through all the comments and various articles which inevitably flood the Internet every year. Because on the one hand we are always hearing about the progress made when it comes to female empowerment and yet, every day, I still see so much evidence of the opposite of that. Evidence that women are still, to a certain degree, devoid of any real power over their own lives for one reason or another.

But, rather than blaming external factors, I sometimes wonder, when listening to women talk, whether it is because they are not giving permission to themselves to just be what they want to be.

So rather than asking what women want, here, is my list of what I would like to see more women doing:

1. If you are not appreciated, just stop doing whatever it is you are doing. It’s no use complaining if you still keep doing it. I’ve lost count of how many times I hear women grumble about being treated like doormats, whether by their husbands or children, from demanding toddlers to adult children who still live at home. But, as the saying goes, for you to be treated like a carpet, you have to lay down first.

2. Whether you are a working mother or a stay-at-home mum, you don’t have to justify your decision. You and only you know the reasons for your choice. A discussion yesterday on The Salott Facebook page about the possibility that school hours might be extended, degenerated into a lot of finger-pointing and unnecessarily smug comments. This is not a competition of who makes the best mother. Everyone is doing their best and that’s the most they can do.

3. Super Woman only exists in comic strips. Don’t kill yourself trying to do it all because ultimately something will have to give. Gone are the days when I believed that women can have it all, because as I’ve got older I’ve realized that that was an unrealistic fallacy which has set up many women to experience disappointment and a constant feeling of nagging guilt that they are failing. There will be times and phases in your life when you will have to slow down and focus on one area of your life only, and that’s OK. My advice is to delegate where you can, ask for help, and start practising the word No. It gets easier with practice.

4. Don’t let interviewers ask you sexist questions. To quote the US Ambassador to Malta Gina Abercrombie-Winstanley during a recent University debate, if you are asked in an interview how you cope with work-family balance, “just don’t answer it. No man is every asked this question.”

This reminded me of when Cate Blanchett confronted a cameraman for panning up and down her body while she was being interviewed on the red carpet: “do you do this to the guys?” It has been echoed by other actresses who are putting their foot down about interviews being just about their appearance rather than about their work, with Reese Witherspoon recently pointing out that, “we are more than just our dresses”. And Scarlett Johannson, after her male co-star was asked a valid interesting question, was asked whether she had to diet for the role, to which she replied “how come I get the rabbit food question?”  More women need to keep doing this if the media is going to get the message.

5. Less judgement and more tolerance for other women. I hate to see women tear other women down, especially on superficial things like appearance. Be kind, not everyone is blessed with perfect DNA. The pressure to look perfect is so tremendous that the cosmetic surgery industry in Malta is booming with women taking out loans to enhance themselves. But perhaps it’s time we stopped to ask ourselves, if physical perfection is really the key to happiness how come so many beautiful celebrities are so extremely unhappy? How come so many embark on a course of self-destruction in pursuit of that elusive something which will bring them self-esteem? Looking good is important, sure, but when it becomes all-consuming it can lead to an unhealthy obsession.

6. Education, education, education. No matter which way you look at it, and even if you are not career-minded but are perfectly happy to stay home to raise a family, it always boils down to this. What you learn will never leave you, but will always enrich you. A woman who continues to interest herself in what is going on around her, and who is constantly looking to try new things can never be bored, and will never be boring.

7. And finally, a special word to young girls: Respect yourself and your body first, and don’t let any man use you as a throwaway commodity. There are many lowlifes like (party organizer) Joel Caruana in this world. You deserve to be treated better than that. If you don’t feel comfortable doing something, or you are only doing it because you are afraid the guy will leave you/won’t love you/will find someone else, then talk to someone you can trust about it. You would be surprised how many other girls feel the same way but are too afraid to admit it. That is real female empowerment.