Fat and loud is a virtue for many, though, surely?

What are we skinning? A Eurostat survey confirming Malta is the most obese country in Europe, and a European Commission study into the Sustainable Development in the European Union finding the island to be the noisiest in the continent. 

Why are we skinning it? Because shame and discomfort are comedy’s stock-in-trade, and we’re here to wallow in this unholy mix. 

Fat and loud is a virtue for many, though, surely? You’d be hard-pressed to deny it most of the time, yes. 

So maybe we’re once again in the minority of moaners? Well, those polled about noise in particular were of course locals to the island, so one can assume they’re also complaining about it. 

Can’t we all just – I don’t know – make an effort to be quieter and eat better? You’re assuming people are rational beings… not essentially obliquely-developed animals and/or barely-grown children who will look for the gratification of base desires at every turn. 

That’s a pretty bleak view of humanity. Look, it’s not like the scenario – both global and local – has been particularly edifying of late, so cut me some slack. 

Why don’t you calm those nerves over a crate of beer and bagful of fresh pastizzi? Don’t mind if I do. Will you join me? 

Oh, no. I will not be adding to the damage. Ah, I see you’ve sat on the opposite side of the room with noise-cancelling headphones and that kale-and-carrot smoothie. 

Yes, luckily certain parts of Malta are both technologically adept and trendily health-conscious. I’ll stick to my pastizzi and thumping construction sounds, thank you. 

To think – back in the day it was the bigilla seller – and the bigilla seller alone – who broke the silence of the village.

Oh don’t worry, he’s still around. It’s just that he has far more severe sonic competition these days. 

My noise-cancelling headphones won’t allow me to hear him coming, though. Does he have a notification app? Bigilla-sellers are the OG food couriers. You have to be plugged in to a more ancient frequency to predict their arrival. 

So you just ‘know’ when they’re coming then? Yes, and if you haven’t been trained to spot them since childhood, you have a lot of catching up to do. 

I better start meditating my way to that Zen-like state, then. The noise-cancelling headphones should make that easy enough. 

Until the effects of the smoothie force me to make a dash for the bathroom, that is. Embrace the cleanse. It’s the only way out of this mess.  

Do say: “The realities of a densely packed country with no real culinary tradition to speak of apart from what we snatched in bits and bobs through colonisers over the years cannot be denied. But we can still do something about both, and depressingly enough seem to always choose the path towards further ruin.” 

Don’t say: “Malta’s new mascot: An overweight middle-aged man with a dangling beer-belly double-parked by the pastizzi place while L’Amour Toujours blares through the speakers. Dish out a direct order to one of our anointed sculptors, stat!”