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13 photos of politicians eating common and crude stuff like pastizzi

MaltaToday’s pictorial guide to how the powerful masticate political gravitas with unhealthy snacks and high-powered company

Matthew Vella
6 February 2017, 7:34am
Ann Fenech (right, delivering a sermon) has decided her electoral fortunes should be irrevocably tied to the calorific content of the Maltese pastizz, after said item was presented by Joseph Muscat as a sacrificial tribute to three other prime ministers.
Ann Fenech (right, delivering a sermon) has decided her electoral fortunes should be irrevocably tied to the calorific content of the Maltese pastizz, after said item was presented by Joseph Muscat as a sacrificial tribute to three other prime ministers.
Ann Fenech is like Martha Stewart (minus the jail time), because apparently she has some lifestyle tips for Joseph Muscat: don’t host your European counterparts at Rabat’s Crystal Palace for some milky tea and Maltese pastizzi. So gauche. So “common and crude”. So flaky and lardy. Such prole chow. Yep: some posh shit she had on Saturday night must have been still stuck in her mouth on Sunday morning, because as it came tumbling out onto her Facebook wall, a nation seemed to unite over the humble alcohol-sponge, declaring the 5 February, a national day of pastizzi devotion.

And why not? Apparently, Wikipedia counts some 250 national food days for America alone, but that’s OK because they are fat bastards anyway.

But now is the time to prepare for the 2018 elections, and here is a fitting guide for politicians who are about to send some Turkish kebab or Qormi ftira down the little red lane. Learn from the best, and your food won’t turn on you.

1. Baguettes are working-class. But why not hire your personal hard hat-wearing, stinky boiler-suit prole dogsbody for added effect? Unpopular socialist and scooter-riding crumpet-lover François Hollande gets stuck in before his ratings go sub-zero.


2. Wow! Look at Bernie Sanders thinking hard about America one day having its own universal healthcare system just like we do. Yep, you got it: the reason he harbours such dangerous ideas is because he is eating a hot dog.


3. Ya, zlurp, zo gut, but not bettah den hobz biz-zejt from Gzira! Angela Merkel, a conservative and beacon of European liberal democracy, during a job interview at a shop selling pickled herrings where she will go to work once she loses the 2017 elections.


4. Here's a nationalist. But not the Fenech type. It's Nicola Sturgeon from the Scottish National Party, having Costa coffee and a cupcake. Weird though. Where's the Irn-Bru, the deep-fried Mars bar, and the heroin when you want to really be close to the people?


5. Hup hup! Now 'ere's a working-class lad! Get in there my son! It's John Prescott, Labour minister of yore, helping himself to his 13th pasty of the day. This photo was taken at 10am.


6. Howdy guys... wanna start a nuclear war? This pizza is making me horny for some desert invasion. And that's how Iraq really started: George W. Bush (centre) discusses global politics with George Pataki and Rudy Giuliani.


7. Mission complete! Time to eat some traditional Iraqi food. After successfully perforating global happiness through the planet's anal cavity, Bush and his spouse enjoy some Baghdad nachos.


8. Oh my God! Is that the 44th president of the United States with the UK's worst ever prime minister being crude and common? Yes it is, Barack Obama and David Cameron watch basketball while eating a hot dog. "Is this a pork sausage, Barry?" - "Think so, Dave. Do you want the taco instead?" - "No, I'll just order another dozen for later..."


9. He eats salad. And chips. Has he made sure the chips are British potatoes and not some Belgian pomme-frites? They are both potatoes, you hoity-toity Eton ball-bag. It's Boris Johnson taking back control of his digestive system.


10. My word. Look at this poor excuse for mastication. This is probably what happens when you get a stroke in your nose. A word to the wise: if you can't eat a bacon sandwich, you cannot lead your country.


11. It was a hot day so the vice-president of the United States Joe Biden thought it was reasonable to buy an ice-cream cone to cool down. Now, in Ann Fenech's book, this would not stand. This delicious food article would not stand. Not unless the ice-cream has been churned by the hands of 12, six-year old Burmese refugees.


12. Woooww. So gross. Amazing. Now this snack's huge. But so disgusting. So wrong. Such a nasty man. Sad. We can only pray that every next meal comes blessed with a heart-attack that leaves this man in a vegetative state, so that he can at least consider the Karmic curve ball life has thrown at him.


13. And finally. Obama swigs beer with Anthony Bourdain. It's one of Ho Chi Minh City's best pho restaurants. So common. So crude. So unlike Ann Fenech, thank God.

Matthew Vella is executive editor at MaltaToday.
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