Sending the wrong message on domestic violence

A few new stories which have appeared lately continue to confirm that domestic violence is not taken seriously enough by our highest authorities or the media, let alone by the man-in-the-street.

First we read a court report of a relationship where a woman continued to live with her estranged husband after separating from him seven years ago, with the wife continuing to work at the husband’s snack bar (unpaid) despite incidents of domestic violence. I think what upset readers the most was that the relationship was described as “weird” in the headline.

What’s in a word, one might ask? What does it matter? Well, yes, it does matter because ‘weird’ almost trivialises the whole situation, giving it an almost quirky, curiosity value. Instead of trying to delve deeper into what would make this woman stay, we label it and dismiss it.

The choice of terminology is extremely important in such reports and can load the entire story with a specific meaning. What to us might seem weird, might actually be a no-hope situation for this woman who has nowhere else to go.

While we may not be aware of it ourselves because we live in a completely different world, there are many couples who, for lack of a better alternative continue to live under the same roof even though they are legally separated, until one or the other finally takes the plunge and leaves. If you are not financially independent (as many women still aren’t) leaving is virtually impossible, especially when the case is being dragged out for years in court.

In some cases, one or the other of the spouses tries everything they can to make the other spouse so positively miserable and unhappy that it becomes unbearable and they are forced out against their will. One such case was doing the rounds on Facebook this week where the man had allegedly refused to pay electricity bills, causing ARMS to cut off the power to the detriment of his wife and children, while he allegedly continued to enjoy all his home comforts by using solar-powered energy in his own (locked) bedroom.

If the government has any loose change lying around from selling all those passports, it would not be amiss to direct it to fund such immediate social problems to help women and their children who are in dire need.

Although this sounds like an extreme case (and one which I was not able to verify), I’m sure we have all heard anecdotes of similar outlandish behaviour which results when two people refuse to give an inch and are locked in a perpetual battle over who should leave the marital home.

Pique and revenge can sometimes drive people who were once married into doing the most bizarre things to hurt each other.

In other cases, estranged couples somehow manage to live into their old age in the same house but with completely different living arrangements, without interfering with each other one bit, and somehow they make it “work”. For all intents and purposes they are separated and live separate lives without either of them having to undergo the upheaval of finding somewhere else to live.

As anyone who has been through a separation/divorce will tell you, the financial repercussions are crippling, and in most cases either the husband or the wife ends up having to start completely from scratch, depending on who has the best lawyer. It can often take years to pick up the pieces and get back on one’s feet financially and this is precisely why so many women (especially) prefer to hang on and stay in a loveless and maybe even violent marriage rather than having to face the very real possibility of poverty.

It is not an ideal domestic arrangement obviously (I for one, doubt that I could continue to live with someone I no longer loved, or worse, someone who was violent) but you would be surprised at how many couples do it because the alternative of starting over is unthinkable if not impossible. We tend to forget just how many women still do not work in Malta, and when the marriage goes belly up, she has absolutely no options unless members of her family are ready to take her in.

And, let’s be honest, just how many of us would be willing to do that? In an increasingly egotistic society I’m seeing less and less people who are really willing to go out of their way to help others in a practical way – sure they might throw money at the problem to save their conscience, but women escaping a violent marriage need a permanent place where they can find shelter first of all, and from all accounts Dar Merhba Bik cannot take any more.

If the government has any loose change lying around from selling all those passports, it would not be amiss to direct it to fund such immediate social problems to help women and their children who are in dire need. Something like this deserves top priority, I should think.

Even if a woman does have her own income, it’s not that easy because if recent reports are anything to go by, the rental market is pricing Maltese nationals out of the market, as landlords and real estate agents inflate their prices to accommodate very well paid non-Maltese nationals who come to work here in the gaming industry.

So when you read about a woman who stayed and think out loud how foolish she is not to have left, perhaps it would better to take a step back and consider that perhaps the choices we take for granted were not available to her.

The other alarming report this week was about a policeman (now suspended) who went into a drunken rage in front of Police HQ demanding to speak to his former girlfriend, also a police officer, who had broken off their relationship. HIs threats to kill her were chilling, and yet the man got off very lightly with a two-month sentence suspended for two years: what was basically a slap on the wrist and almost sounded like a man-to-man pat on the back from the presiding magistrate.

Incredibly, the whole thing was dismissed as if it were some kind of teenage foolishness, like when your heart is broken by your first love, which makes you do idiotic things like stand outside her window yelling her name.

But this is a grown man we are talking about and his out-of-control behaviour is indicative of someone who goes off the rails too easily. It also seemed to me that more fuss was made about the fact that he insulted the Police Commissioner than the fact that he violently threatened his former girlfriend, who was scared out of her wits and had to hide while he went on his rampage.

What kind of message are we giving, that “boys will be boys” and “love makes you do the craziest things?” This is not love, this is possessive jealousy of the worst kind which almost always has sinister undertones: “If I cannot have you, no one can”.

But when a magistrate says in court that “he could understand” why a man’s “emotional attraction” to a woman would make him behave that way, then it is clear we have a long way to go before there is real understanding as to how the seeds of controlling behavior can grow into tragic episodes in which the woman is eventually severely injured, or as has happened in the past, even murdered.