From feminism to equalism

The recent conference about gender balance in the boardroom is something I would have usually eagerly attended in my very “feminist” days, as this was an issue which I was always very passionate about.

It’s not that I no longer believe in feminism which I discovered as a teenager in the 70s; it’s just that, 40 years later, I have learned that gender issues, like practically every issue I can think of, from religious beliefs to political ones, are never black and white. More and more I find that those who speak in absolutes about certain issues either live in a social bubble where they never meet or listen to those who think differently to them, or else are vaguely aware that there are other opinions out there but stoutly refuse to allow them to enter their consciousness.

And, more and more, I feel myself gravitating away from those who cannot entertain two opposing thoughts in their head at the same time, because I feel I cannot relate to them at all. Fanaticism, in whatever shape or form has never appealed to me and over the years I’ve noticed that those who are fanatic about one issue usually apply that same blind zealousness to every aspect of their life.

Someone I know who feels the same way as I do says that these days she prefers to call herself an “equalist” and to me this is the perfect word because feminist still has too many “man-bashing” connotations. Of course, it is easy to throw around the word ‘equality’, but the challenge is putting it into practice. And this is where my stance on the never-ending gender issue has changed over time.

For a start, it is quite clear that many women are perfectly happy not being in the boardroom. They are completely fulfilled as wives and mothers and they would not have it any other way. And that’s OK. Or else, they are perfectly content having a job which allows them to have regular hours so that they can juggle the much-vaunted family/life balance, rather than a high-flying career where, let us face it, neither women nor men have much time left over at the end of the day to see their spouses or their children except for brief periods in the morning and evening.

I am not advocating for one rather than the other – like all other life choices, every woman (and man) does what is best for them and their families. Ideally of course, decisions about jobs and careers are taken jointly when two people form a family (or rather, before forming a family) so that no one gets any nasty surprises further down the road.

But reality is very, very different. Sometimes men can be very agreeable about two incomes coming in to share the financial burden (who wouldn’t?) until children come along and the stark consequences of what it actually means to organize the day-to-day schedules of childcare and schools plus running a household while being on the ball at work, suddenly hits them smack between the eyes. Free time? What’s that? They have a vague memory of what it is like to be able to come home and just plop down on the sofa, but it gets dimmer as time goes by.

It is hardly any wonder then that some men start making dissenting noises if the woman has the opportunity for a promotion which will mean more work commitments. For example, I often read comments by women who would love to go back to studying now that the children are older but do not have the support of their husbands and know that it will be a daily battle (or they will kill themselves with exhaustion to try and maintain the same domestic standards as before).

Without the necessary support structure at home, a woman is doomed to ether give up, or if she digs her heels in, the relationship will suffer – sometimes even leading to a complete marital breakdown. Social and cultural expectations of what women’s and men’s roles should be are often at the very root of this kind of gender tug-of-war.

There is also the other side of the coin, however. How ready are women to give up their control over the domestic domain? Sometimes I hear laments about the husband (and children) not helping at all around the house, and yet as the conversation continues, it is clear that some women have such a firm grip of how everything “should be done” that nothing, but nothing will ever be done quite to their satisfaction, even when help is offered.

If he is in charge of getting the kids ready, he is met by frowns because the socks don’t quite match the outfit. Faced by such impossible-to-reach targets of household perfection followed by constant criticism because the chore was not done “my way”, it is no wonder that so many men just throw in the towel and stop offering to share the work.

While domestic chores may seem like a trivial subject in the context of getting more women into the boardroom, it is precisely something as mundane as housework which is often the real reason we do not see so many females in senior management positions. You can be sure that men who are at the peak of their careers do not give a second’s thought about grocery lists or about the washing which has been left hanging on the roof. Generations of cultural conditioning however means that even a CEO, who happens to be a woman, at some point has to deal with the domestic realm. A wise woman will delegate and if need be, hire people to help her, or not be so controlling if every single item in the house is not in its precise position. However, if she insists on doing everything herself, she will eventually snap.

It was stated during the gender discussion that it is employers who are holding women back from being in top positions, and I know that in many companies this is actually the case.

The Old Boys’ Network is not a myth and women with children are often overlooked when it comes to a promotion. It is also not a coincidence that many women who are high fliers in their field are self-employed or run their own successful businesses, and it is easy to see why. It is a combination of a strong personality and a go-getting attitude plus a refusal to be “battered” into submission. It is also the realisation that the only way they can call the shots themselves rather than being told what to do often by those who are less capable than they are but who are their seniors in the management hierarchy, is by striking out on their own, whether in business or a profession.

The crux of the matter is that if we really want to move on from feminism to equalism, we need to stop the discourse of victimhood and martyrdom. There are only a handful of situations I can think of where a woman cannot change her circumstances if she really wants to. Moaning about something only to persist in remaining in the same rut all your life never did anyone any good (and becomes quite boring to listen to). It is also not a great example to the girls of the next generation who absorb their mothers’ behaviour like a sponge and often apply it to their own lives. Blaming others (especially men) for the lack of change in gender imbalance in our society has got us no where, so perhaps as women it is time we look at what changes we can make from within.

As the saying goes “if you don’t like where you are (in life) change it, you are not a tree.”