Ursula’s Adventures in Wonderland...

EXCLUSIVE! While other news outlets report only the boring aspects of European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen’s visit to Malta this week – like, for instance, that she is here to discuss yet another ‘New Migration and Asylum Pact’ (after the Commission’s last dozen or so attempts failed miserably) – here at NOT-News, we strive to cover only the TRULY important issues, surrounding this historical event... 

... and above all, to ask only the most meaningful, probing questions one would expect, under the circumstances. Such as:  

What did Ursula von der Leyen and Robert Abela REALLY get up to, on that romantic ferry-trip to Gozo? (I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t ‘discuss immigration’)  

Was the Commission President suitably impressed, by how ‘cute’ and ‘adorable’ all those Nadur primary schoolchildren were dolled up to appear, for her benefit?  (Or by the school itself, for that matter... which – like everything else about her visit, so far – was literally ‘cobbled-together’ the day before, to create the illusion that it was magically ‘refurbished with EU funds’)? 

Not to mention the question you’ve all been DYING to hear an answer to, once and for all. What brand of tea did Ursula von der Leyen order, during that historic tea-party - I mean, ‘bilateral discussion’ – in the Gozo ferry cafeteria? (And did she take it with one lump of sugar... or two?) 

That’s right, folks! The information that people out there REALLY want to know, about the ‘celebrity-politicians’ who now govern every last aspect of their daily lives. None of the stuff that actually matters, of course – like, ‘what is the European Commission actually going to DO, about (yawn!) immigration?’ – but all the glitz, glamour, and gossip, of the ‘showbiz’ that European politics has now become. 

And as Ursula von der Leyen herself put it, while strolling across the ferry deck last Friday: “There is no better place to have these discussions than here, in Malta: at the crossroads between ‘Wonderland’, ‘Disneyland’ and ‘The Magical Kingdom of Oz’..."  

So without further ado: let us join Ursula von der Leyen and Robert Abela, on their wonderful adventures down the bottomless ‘rabbit-hole’, of Maltese political surrealism. 

‘Look, Robert... I’m flying!’ 

Eager to give the Commission President a practical demonstration of Gozo’s problem of ‘double insularity’, Prime Minister Robert Abela accompanied Ursula von der Leyen on a trip to the island by ferry – at one point, even escorting her to ship’s prow, so that she could get a good view of the situation for herself. 

Sadly, however, Abela’s gesture must have been lost in translation. Such was the chemistry that developed between these two European leaders, at that precise moment... that the Commission President actually mistook it for an invitation to mimic Kate Winslet’s classic posture, from the 1997 movie ‘Titanic’. 

For the next two or three hours, press photographers were delighted by the spectacle of a Maltese Prime Minister, and European Commission President, impersonating Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukaker, in various (potentially life-threatening) poses... and things only went downhill from there: as Ursula von der Leyen would later challenge Robert Abela to a ‘spitting competition’ (to see who’d be the first to hit Cominotto, from distance)...  

... and at one point, the pair even disappeared from sight altogether, for at least 15 minutes (causing much consternation among von der Leyen’s security detail... until they noticed that the windows of the Prime Minister’s limo, in the docking-bay below, had mysteriously ‘steamed up’ on their own, for no apparent reason...) 

Throughout all this, however, Robert Abela valiantly persisted in trying to familiarise the Commission President with Gozo’s ‘double insularity’ issues... and it seems that his efforts were not altogether unrewarded. 

As she stepped off the ferry, upon arrival at Mgarr harbour... a breathless Ursula von der Leyen was heard whispering into Abela’s ear: 

“Don’t worry, Robert! Near... far... wherever you are... you know that MY HEART WILL GO ON!” 

The Mad Tea Party 

Having said this, the highlight of that trip remains the all-important ‘bilateral discussions’, that took place (over tea and biscuits) around a table at the ferry’s onboard cafeteria. 

To ensure that – despite her ‘Titanic’ antics – Ursula von der Leyen would not be too ‘late, for this very important date’... Prime Minister Abela had to take a couple of necessary precautions. 

1) To minimise any delays in getting their refreshments to the table on time, he hired ‘Tweedledum and Tweedledee’ to handle the catering (as can be seen from this exclusive, Not-News photograph);  

2) He set the agenda for this meeting, to exclude any of the more ‘sensitive’ matters that the Commission President actually came here to discuss, in the first place. (This way, there would be nothing actually ‘important’ about the ‘date’, for her to even be ‘late for’....) 

3) And lastly, he appointed the Mad Hatter to chair the entire meeting (you know: just to ensure that the discussion remained every bit as ‘wonderfully irrelevant’, as it was all along intended to be...) 

So instead of ‘immigration’; or ‘climate change’; or ‘what the heck happened to the EU’s plan to convert to electric vehicles by 2050, anyway?’...  they spoke of ‘many things’.  

Of ‘shoes, and ‘ships’, and ‘sealing-wax’... of ‘cabbages, and ‘kings’ (or ‘why the sea is boiling hot; and whether pigs have wings’).  

And all the while, they ‘dined upon mince, and plenty of quince, which they ate with a runcible spoon’... 

... and once all the tea-cups were duly drained; all the biscuits scoffed down; all the ‘discussions’ finally over; and all the issues they were SUPPOSED to discuss, still just as glaringly ‘unresolved’, as they ever were before...  

Why, ‘they danced in the light of the moon’, of course! 

‘The moon, the moon, the moon, the moon....’ 

‘They danced in the light of the moon.’