The difficult conversations we must have

Karl Gouder was a beautiful person, always with a smile on his face and with a kind word for everyone. It came as no surprise that after his untimely death last week, both friends and foes in politics saluted his memory because he was always respectful even in disagreement. 

At 45, he still had a lot to give and was about to take the next step in his political career by contesting the post of secretary general of the Nationalist Party. 

Karl’s loss is hard to stomach but it is also a reminder that a person’s outward persona may be hiding tribulations that may not be immediately apparent. 

The circumstances in which Karl died make it all the more difficult to speak about his demise, not least because of the stigma associated with suicide and self-harm. But this is a difficult albeit sensitive conversation that must be had. 

We prefer to remember Karl for his beauty, his smile, his affectionate manner when dealing with people, his yearning to be a better self, his respectful nature even in adversity, his courage to be himself at a time when being gay was anathema in the world of politics. This is the Karl that relatives, his many friends, work colleagues and politicians will always remember.

But situations like these must also serve to foster a conversation about loneliness, mental health awareness and suicide prevention. We know these are not easy conversations to have but not talking about them only perpetuates the stigma and makes it even harder for people to seek help. 

If Karl’s death can serve a purpose, may it be one of hope to others who may be passing through a bad patch. This is no consolation for his grieving relatives and friends but it is in line with Karl’s selfless attitude – forgetting himself for the greater good. 

To those who are having bad thoughts, are feeling lonely, or may not even understand their own feelings there is professional help out there. Many individuals who have experienced suicidal thoughts and sought assistance have moved away from a crisis situation or other adversity by adopting coping skills. There is hope and it should not be buried under the weight of silence and stigma. 

This is where responsible journalism has a role to play. It is never an easy call to make when personal tragedy befalls anybody. It becomes even more complicated when the individual is a public person. Finding the balance between the public’s right to know (by virtue of the fact that the individual is a public person) and the privacy of the individual and his relatives is not easy. 

We could take the easy road and simply report someone’s death or misfortune in a sterile way; it would respect the public’s right to know without giving too much detail, while respecting the family. But it would also allow a lot of blanks that people would fill in with speculation, which in a small community like Malta would have already reached most people even before the mainstream media gets to report anything. 

Alternatively, we could report the facts with caution to ensure the truth is disseminated and in the hope that it could serve as an awareness raising experience. 

We say this in full knowledge that there may be no right answer for all circumstances and conscious that we also have made mistakes. 

There has been a lot of speculation surrounding Karl’s death and his family have gone public asking anyone with information about Karl in the days leading up to his demise to come forward. The family’s appeal is supported by the Nationalist and Labour parties. The police are investigating like they always do in these circumstances and a magisterial inquiry is underway. 

If investigations unearth wrongdoing by third parties that may have pushed Karl to kill himself, the police should prosecute without fear or favour. 

Nonetheless, this does not exonerate us from having the difficult conversations that are necessary to dispel the stigma, the needless shame and the silence. 

This leader extends its condolences to Karl’s relatives and friends.

Call the mental health helpline 1579 if you are feeling sad, worried or angry and need immediate emotional support or if you are in the middle of a crisis and need practical advice on how to manage the situation, or if you are concerned about family members or friends and wish to explore the situation with a mental health professional. 1579 is a 24-hour national telephone helpline operated by psychology professionals.