The dating game: It’s a jungle out there

When Valentine’s Day rolls around, it is as good a time as any to reflect on the other side of the coin—those who are single and looking for love.

I admittedly have to rely on second-hand information for this topic but from what I am told, today’s dating scene is hardly a bed of roses.

One aspect of it which I have noticed over the last few years is the number of single women who have lost faith in ever finding a compatible, trustworthy partner ever again. They have been burned not once, but a number of times (and I’m sure the same can be said of single men), and they have come to the conclusion that “meglio soli che male accompagnati”. The finality of this statement is a sobering thought and makes one wonder if both genders are expecting too much from one another, raising the bar impossibly high so that no one can possibly tick all their boxes. Or perhaps it’s because the demands and tolerance required for a long-lasting relationship are simply too much for some to handle, especially for those who have been through the wringer of a failed relationship not once but several times.

But for those who are still optimistic and open to finding love again, the path to being a couple is often strewn with obstacles which we rarely had to contend with before.

Purely from an observational standpoint, I think one of the most significant factors in all this is that over the last decade or so, the male-female dynamic has changed completely. Let’s take property ownership. In order to give more substance to what was just my perception, I asked on the Women for Women FB group whether they owned a property and how many of them had bought it on their own. Of the 313 women who replied to my questions, 37%, or 113 women, said they were the sole owners of their home. I believe this is a relatively new phenomenon.

This statistic can be roughly split into two groups: Young women who are not waiting around to be in a relationship to buy their first home and; older women who are separated/divorced who have taken the proceeds from their marital home and invested in their own property.

In both scenarios, I would say that these are smart moves. But what does this mean when it comes to dating? Again, what I have noticed from anecdotal evidence from this same group is that a worrying trend has emerged—the number of men who latch on to women who are property owners and want to move in with them very quickly.

In some cases, the man also owns his own property but wants to rent it out to bring in a lucrative passive income. However, in other cases, the man might come with nothing but a broad smile, hoping to charm the (often lonely) woman who is swept off her feet by all the attention. She can then find herself in a quandary: Should I let him move in? Should I make him pay rent and cover the groceries and utilities? What are the implications if he changes his ID card to my residence? What happens if things go sour—can I kick him out?

If this was just the occasional story which is shared, I would not have paid much attention, but I do not think I am exaggerating when I say I read a post on this issue practically every week.

Numerous comments inevitably follow with warnings to the woman to be careful because they had fallen into this same trap. The advice is usually for everyone to remain living in their own separate residence, at least until they are sure what they are getting themselves into. Now, just in case I am accused of being sexist, let me point out that I am aware that this happens to men too; obviously there are also women out there who are gold diggers, who try to get their claws into a man not out of love, but purely because it suits them for material reasons.

Likewise, a woman who is financially independent with a well-paying job and her own home which she has bought by herself, can seem like a very attractive prospect for a scheming, manipulative man. Men can be gold diggers too. What is often a red flag for me when I read these stories is how swiftly the man seems to want to swoop in and set up home with the woman. Whatever happened to taking it slowly, learning about the other person over a period of time (which usually takes a couple of years and not months) before taking the big step to move in together?

The dating game can be fall of honey traps and while nothing beats the thrill of falling in love, allowing your heart to over-rule common sense is what many con artists rely on to carry out their scam.

Whether we are comfortable discussing it or not, when one person has more finances and assets than the other, the balance of power can be a tricky thing to navigate. It affects where the couple choose to dine, their shopping habits, where they go on holiday and of course, their general attitude towards money. Dating can become a minefield when there is a financial discrepancy and this perhaps explains why so many single women eventually come to the realisation that a committed relationship is not for them. There is nothing worse than feeling that someone is only with you for your money, viewing you as a convenient meal ticket.

I don’t think men have the same hang up, otherwise how can you explain so many rich old men with lovely young women hanging on their arm? I’m sure such a man is not under an illusion that she loves him for his looks, but he is probably content with a perfectly acceptable trade-off. He gets a trophy girlfriend or wife and she gets to live in luxury.

Entering into new relationships has taken on a very different twist in today’s world because so much of the dating landscape has changed. People are staying single for a longer stretch of time, while those who were married and now separated/divorced are back in the dating pool. It hasn’t made the choice any wider; Malta’s size is what it is and there are a limited number of people who are eligible for dating in any age group. The older you are the more likelihood you will meet someone with “baggage”, which includes ex-wives and husbands who might still be in the picture and children who will always be in the picture. And while the number of foreigners who have come here for work might seem to have given single people more potential partners, the transient nature of EU and TCN employees means that many are here today, gone tomorrow. That’s fine if you are only into casual dating, but not so enticing when you are looking for something long-term.

As if things aren’t complicated enough, enter the dating apps which have practically eliminated the concept of meeting new people in person but have reduced dating to judging each other purely on looks with a quick swipe to the left or right. It is such a superficial tool that I fail to grasp how anyone would subject themselves to being demeaned in this way. Even if you get past the fact that you are being assessed just by your photo, the very nature of some of these apps is that they are based on physical attraction. Again, that’s fine if you are only after a one-night stand, but it becomes depressing if what you are after is a meaningful connection.

On top of all this, there are the added pitfalls of sexting, catfishing and ghosting, making the world of dating even murkier than ever, and the complete anthesis of what meeting someone new should be like. Dating should be fun and flirty, not filled with wariness and suspicion that the person is not who they say they are (or receiving a nude photo of them before the first date).

I often read questions by single people asking, “where do you go to socialise? How can I make new friends?” and I always feel this is a sad indication that for all our technological progress, so many who are still on their own have never been so lonely.