This is wrestling, not politics. We expect to be entertained…

Ladies, please. That’s simply no way to comport yourselves in public, you know. Yes, yes, I am well aware that you all went to finishing school, and that you’ve all been taught to always act ‘prim, proper and lady-like’, and all that.

But this isn’t an episode of Downton Abbey. This is a good old-fashioned public spat between the Nationalist and Labour parties’ women’s associations… such as we have not seen since the good old 1970s or thereabouts, when the ‘Ghaqda Nisa Socjalisti’ would routinely beat up the entire Nationalist Party youth brigade, and pretty much anyone else unwise enough to get in their path (whereupon their husbands would launch themselves enthusiastically into the fray, on the pretext of ‘protecting their wives’…).

Ah, the good old days! Politics was so vibrant and exciting back then. Today, of course, it’s a whole different ballgame. Up until this week, I’d forgotten that either party even had a female association to speak of: still less how, some 20 or 30 years ago, entire crowds used take to their heels in blind terror at the prospect of being dismembered by one...  

But naturally, this only makes the return of the ‘Ghaqdiet Nisa’ to the political centre-stage that much more exciting. In fact, it would be no exaggeration to describe it as the most eagerly anticipated live-action event since ‘Women Of Wrestling’ returned to HBO in 2012. 

Besides, in this great age of feminism they both have a point to prove. They have to demonstrate to the broader public that they’re every bit as up to the job of ‘bashing their political opponents’ as their male counterparts have been for the past half-millennium or so. And just look at how the male sections of the same two parties have been busy ripping each other’s throats out all summer. Why, hardly a day goes by without news of Simon Busuttil and Joseph Muscat grappling with each other again, like a pair of schoolboys rolling around in the playground dirt: 

‘He started it!’ ‘No, he did!’ Biff! Whack! Sock! Kapow…! 

It seems you have a lot of catching up to do, ladies. So far, what passes for ‘political debate’ in this country has been a little like that classic James Brown song. No, not ‘Feeling Good’… far from it… the other one: ‘It’s A Man’s World’… and even then, a ‘Man’s World’ in which men merely exchange barbs and insults in a never-ending cycle, while studiously avoiding any real discussion of any of the issues at hand. 

So when we heard that the party’s women had finally muscled their way into the action, I need hardly add that enthusiasm for the sport (among male spectators, at any rate) suddenly skyrocketed.

No offence to the above-mentioned contestants, or anything… but the sight of the same old duo at it again (and again, and again) was starting to get a little repetitive. There are only so many insults the two party leaders can actually hurl at each other before it all starts to sound a little stale. And there are only so many genuine issues for the parties to actually clash over… before it becomes apparent to all and sundry that what’s actually important here is not the issue at all: only the clash.

But the women’s sections of the same party? Grappling with each other furiously as they undulate in the same glistening mud-pit? Now THAT is something most of out here would pay good money to see. And we’d expect nothing less than a full-blown, no-holds barred catfight, too: fur, feathers and all... (note: if you want inspiration for a psyche-up, I’d recommend the classic 2003 Women Of Wrestling encounter between ‘Delta Lotta Pain’ and ‘Jungle Grrrl’. As I recall, Delta ‘finished’ Jungle with a dreaded super-move known as the ‘Camel-toe Clutch’…)

In any case, this promised to be as memorable an encounter as any of the old classics: a tag-team event featuring (drums rolling) in one corner, the ‘Nisa Laburisti’; and in the other, ‘The Moviment Nisa PN’.

Honestly, what more could you possibly want?

As for that other question – what are they fighting about, exactly? – oh, who cares? Some incomprehensible gibberish about ‘embryo freezing’ being more effective than ‘oocyte vitrification’ when it comes to IVF, that’s all. Nothing important, really. It’s not as though ‘infertility’ is a medical condition affecting literally thousands of people in this country, who might therefore wish to know where the two parties actually stand on such matters …

No, indeed. It’s just a straight, knock-out, fight-to-the-finish between two parties, like all the others. In other words, mindless entertainment of the kind you’d watch on The Wrestling Channel. 

As for myself, I had booked a front-row seat, and was already on the edge of it when the gong went for round one. The suspense was palpable. Would either side resort to the dreaded ‘Gutwrench Powerbomb’, I wondered? An ‘Ironing Board Elbow Drop’, perhaps? Or even the deadliest finishing move of them all: the Running, Bouncing Neck-breaker (which involves bouncing your opponent against all the ropes, before slam-dunking them head-first onto the mat)?

Erm.. no to all of the above, as it happens. All we got was the usual exchange of lousy official statements and counter-statements. Not a full-arm Nelson, not a headlock, not a near-arm far-leg takedown… not even a measly little slap on the cheek. Just the same old barbs and insults: “YOUR women’s association is more amateurish and non-functional than OUR women’s association, nyah-nya-nyaah-nyah!” 

What a let-down. That’s exactly how the men would have fought the same contest. Where’s the imagination, ladies? Where’s all the cat-fighting spirit gone?  

Ah well. Opportunity wasted, if you ask me. But still, a historic encounter it remained, even if slightly on the disappointing side. So for what it’s worth, I’ll be your commentator for the rest of the evening.

“Good evening, folks! We’re halfway into round one, which got off to a rather subdued start when the Nisa Laburisti issued a number of policy recommendations as part of a consultative exercise launched by the Health Ministry to improve Malta’s IVF legislation.  Let’s go over the proposals, shall we?

“The Nisa Laburisti propose ‘embryo freezing’, a technique which was precluded from the original law by former Prime Minister Lawrence Gonzi, who in 2013 argued that… hold on, what’s happening here? The Moviment Nisa PN have climbed into the ring! Hardly had Labour’s women thrown their first punch – and a rather innocuous one at that – than, BIFF! Back comes the counter-swing with a vengeance. And yes, it’s another statement… hang on let me read out the relevant bit:

‘The amateurish way in which Joseph Muscat wants to introduce something as sensitive as embryo fertilisation and surrogacy beggars belief… The out-of-the-blue statement by the Labour Women in the thick of summer shows Muscat’s way of doing politics. He prefers to hide behind the non-functioning Labour Women’s outfit to fly a kite and manipulate public opinion instead of coming clean and telling the people what he thinks.” 

Yikes! That’s what they call an ‘ad hominem slam-dunk’ technique, I believe… dismiss the entire argument by insulting the person making it. What do we get from the statement? That the Nisa Laburisti is an amateur, non-functioning association, used by the evil prime minister to foist his own subversive ideas onto an unsuspecting population…

No indication, of course, as to why these ideas are so subversive in the first place. Embryo freezing is a common facet of IVF legislation in most countries: professionals in the field have likewise called for its introduction in Malta. But no matter… this is wrestling, not politics. It’s only the fighting that matters, not the substance of what’s being fought over.

And in wrestling terms it was a pretty devastating blow. Just the sort of thing that gets the crowd in an uproar. Juts the sort of thing we see in every mindless mass meeting. So how will the ‘amateur’ Nisa Laburisti respond to this slur? Will it prove ‘non-functioning’ in this encounter, too?

Oh look: its president, Claudette Abela Baldacchino no less, has tagged herself into the fight and is clambering over the ropes as we speak. That’s right, NL, bring out the big guns all at once, why don’t you… that’ll show those pesky ‘Nisa PN’ what it’s all about…

But what’s this? Another statement, this time calling on the “negative” MNPN to “publish their own recommendations that they could have put forward to the IVF working group”. 

“We only submitted our recommendations after speaking with relevant stakeholders, including professionals and people who have undertaken IVF both in Malta and abroad,” Abela Baldacchino said.

Oh come on, Claudette! Is that the best finishing move you could come up with? ‘You’re so negative’? ‘We’re only doing our job?’ I mean, honestly. Who even cares about your job, anyway? Or, for that matter, about whether (or how) the IVF legislation can be improved?

It’s very selfish of you, you know, to only think about those thousands of people who can’t have children of their own. This is Maltese politics you’re messing with here. There’s a long standing tradition of simply disregarding all serious issues, to only concentrate on a purely personal, petty and increasingly meaningless feud between two hillbilly political parties.

So enough with these bland, inoffensive statements, and let’s have some action, please. How about a good, old fashioned flying scissor-kick, or perhaps a hammerlock leg-sweep? Maybe even a classic ‘Punjabi Plunge’? Much more assertive in making your case, I can assure you. And, Oh! So much more entertaining for the rest of us… 

But no. Sadly, it looks like all we’re going to get from this debate is the same level-of-name-calling we get from all other debates, and that would be considered childish even by schoolyard standards. 

If it’s serious issues you’re after, you’d best look somewhere else. Somewhere like the Wrestling Channel… which is more believable anyway.