What if it was the other JC?

Jeeze, and I thought the Maltese political media were shabby and dishonest. Yet it seems that the standards of political news reporting here in Malta – abysmal though they are – may actually be higher than those of the United Kingdom… where pretty much everything we read in the papers about newly-elected Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn turns out to have been a blatant fib. 

This week, Private Eye published what must be the single most eye-opening exposé of media dishonesty I have ever read… in any country, anywhere. It’s entitled ‘How to speak Corbyn: a headline writer’s guide’, and follows a very simple formula. 

First, you get to read what Jeremy Corbyn actually said on any given topic. Then, you get to admire how ‘what he said’ went on to be butchered… I mean, ‘reported’… as a headline in a British newspaper. 

Here are a few examples:

1) What Corbyn said [when asked if Tony Blair should face trial]: “If he’s committed a war crime, yes. Everyone who’s committed a war crime should be… Is he going to be tried for it? I don’t know. Could he be tried for it? Possibly…”

What the headline said: “Tony Blair must face trial for war crimes, says Jeremy Corbyn” (Express, 5 August).

2) The actual Corbyn quote: “What is security? Is security the ability to bomb, kill, maim, destroy… or is security the ability to get on with other people and have some kind of respectful existence with them?”

The next day’s headline: ‘Corbyn hints at Russia ties’ (The Telegraph, 11 August) 

3) Corbyn on transport safety: “My intention would be to make public transport safer for everyone from the train platform, to the bus stop to the mode of transport itself. However, I would consult with women and open it up to hear their views on whether women-only carriages would be welcome…”

Headline: “Women-only trains? Twitter slams Jeremy Corbyn’s ‘crazy idea’” (Daily Star, 26 August)

But my absolute favourite remains this little beauty:

4) What Corbyn actually said: “One option would be for the Bank of England to be given a new mandate to upgrade our economy to invest in new large-scale housing, energy, transport and digital projects: Quantitative easing for people instead of banks…”

Headline: “Corbyn’s bid to turn Britain into Zimbabwe” (The Telegraph, 21 August)

Seriously, though. By comparison, even Il-Mument’s colossal North Korean blunder last month almost looks like an innocuous little mistake. And please note that some of these newspapers have pretensions to respectability. We’re not just talking smutty tabloids with a predilection for tits, asses and wildly exaggerated headlines. Last I looked, The Telegraph in particular had positioned itself on the market as a sober, serious alternative to The Times of London. (But I guess that’s OK, because I won’t be looking at it again… and certainly won’t believe anything I read in it if I ever do.)  

There were plenty of other examples… but the above should illustrate exactly how much of our own perceptions of this man – or should I say, this ‘grave threat to Britain’s national security’ – are actually based on misinformation. 

The one about women-only carriages, for instance: I know people who were otherwise sympathetic towards Jeremy Corbyn until that point; but in online discussions they’d single out this ‘proposal’ (which it turns out he never made) as an example of why he could never be trusted as Prime Minister.

There is a somewhat spectacular irony in all this, too. Take the ‘Russia ties’ headline, for instance. It is so far removed from what Jeremy Corbyn actually said that… well, what is that, if not precisely the sort of thing you’d expect from the Pravda? Which in turn raises the question: whose ‘ties with Russia’ are actually closer? The man who never made any such claim whatsoever? Or the newspaper that resorts to Pravda-style tactics to demolish a potential political threat?

This same irony was certainly not lost on the Russians themselves, let me tell you. One of the more amusing reactions to all this mass panic came in fact from the Russian Embassy in London, which tweeted: “Just imagine UK media headlines if Russian president called leading opposition party a threat to national security?” 

Not at all sure why there’s a question mark at the end of that sentence, by the way… but a question needs to be asked all the same. Does the government of the United Kingdom actually realise how ominous it sounds, when the democratically-elected Leader of the Opposition is to all intents and purposes labelled an ‘enemy of the people’? 

Again, that is exactly what you’d expect from the Kremlin (not without good reason, because the Kremlin has actually done it, time and again). But to hear that sort of thing coming from the government of a European Union member state – and one which is so vocally critical of Russia’s autocracy, too – is just slightly on the disconcerting side.

But in any case. The other thing that emerges from Private Eye’s bombshell this week is how very vulnerable this elusive thing called ‘The Truth’ really is, when there are vested political interests in demolishing it. As indicated, pretty much everything we all thought we knew about Jeremy Corbyn turns out to be hopelessly untrue… which in turn also means all our deeply-held opinions and (in some cases) prejudices concerning the new Labour Party leader are completely fictional.

And if it can be done to Jeremy Corbyn… why not to anyone else? Corbyn is after all not the only bearded, peacenik hipster to have ever made the conservative establishment defecate in its undergarments. Some 2,000 years ago, another ‘JC’ was similarly labelled a ‘threat to national security’ and hounded to his untimely demise. The only difference was that Jesus Christ’s crucifixion was literal (as opposed to Corbyn’s, which has hitherto – hitherto, please note – been metaphorical).

So how about applying the same media spin to the other JC? What would our perceptions of this man, and the religion he founded 2,000 years ago, actually be today… had Jesus Christ been given the Jeremy Corbyn treatment in his own lifetime?

Let’s try a few examples and see what happens…

1) What Jesus Christ said: “...But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven…”

Headline: “Jesus the Traitor in league with Israel’s enemies!” (Palestine Post)  

2) Original Jesus quote: “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened…”

Headline: “‘Christ-onomics’ would bankrupt the entire Roman Empire…” (The Daily Pharisee)

3) What Jesus said: “Thou art Peter, and upon this Rock I build my Church…”

Headline: “No top jobs for women in Jesus’ Cabinet of Apostles” (Sanhedrin Express)

4) Jesus quote: “Those of you who are without sin, let them cast the first stone…”

Headline: “Jesus insists on stoning adulteress without trial” (Judea Today)

5) What Jesus said: ‘Judge not, lest you be judged’

The headline: “Jesus calls for total abolition of the justice system” (The Times)

And on it goes. Under such circumstances, I think we can all safely agree that the religion we today call ‘Christianity’ would be very different indeed. Almost as different, in fact, as the real Jeremy Corbyn turns out to be when compared to the one we’ve all been lied to about…