Give us an għannej and a bunch of hyperactive dudes around him, extolling booze and partying

What are we skinning? The Malta-born, Italy-based singer-model Emma Muscat’s failure to qualify for yesterday’s Eurovision final, as her repetitive ode to self-love ‘I Am Who I Am’ failed to wow the jury and the international spread of Eurovision fans.

Why are we skinning it? Because despite the boost in public funding for the arts, our tenure as European Capital of Culture in 2018 and the clear presence of a decent amount of legitimate musical talent on the rock, we insist on putting all our eggs in the kitschiest basket of them all.

The kitschiest basket being? The Eurovision Song Contest, of course, which certainty has a cult following among many and can make for a fun tipsy evening with friends. But one would be hard-pressed to describe it as an arbiter of objectively good musical standards.

But Malta’s always competed and people seem to enjoy it, so why rock the boat? Because boat-rocking is healthy sometimes, god damn it.

Okay, but why should we rock the boat now? Because whatever we’re doing doesn’t seem to be working. It’s like we scaled the heights a couple of times in history and we’ve been struggling to replicate that ever since.

But doesn’t strategy count? Attempting to pin down a formula for this is a fool’s errand...

Well, we did have Destiny last year… Oh we’ve tried all of them. The ‘homier’ charms of Chiara and Claudette Pace/Buttigieg. The ‘ghetto’ vibes of Fabrizio Faniello and Morena. The ‘polished professionalism’ of Ira Losco, now upgraded to the younger, sexier model with Emma Muscat - the gentrified pépé starlet, a nominal Maltese ‘ta barra’.

Destiny is like a mix of all of the above. And at least she made it to the final.

When we do make it, it seems as though we’re doomed to languish in the Top Ten... So close, and yet so far.

A pattern of stagnation can only be disrupted by an injection of chaos! You may be right.

Your turn to come up with some concrete suggestions then. Remember the 2013 Greek entry, the ‘Alcohol is Free’ guys?

Uh-uh. I believe this is the logical step forward for Malta. Swap the elderly folk singer/accordion player with an għannej and throw a bunch of hyperactive dudes around him, extolling the virtues of booze and partying.

You’re on to something there. Yes, because we’re not just Europeans. We’re Mediterraneans. And we’ve been ignoring that side of our heritage for too long.

As Emma would say, ‘we are what we are.’ Take it or leave it my friend.

Do say: “It’s expected for some to care about the Eurovision more than others, but perhaps the time has come to begin questioning its total centrality in Maltese cultural life, and the attention and resources allocated to it as an endeavour.”

Don’t say: “Pain appears to be so instructive to the Maltese that we keep coming back for more each year. Strange that we emerge from the process with no lessons learnt, though. Ah well, maybe next time!”