[LIVE BLOG] Denmark wins Eurovision, Malta places 8th

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00:28: As Denmark's Emmelie de Forest plays us out with Only Teardrops, we congratulate the singing doctor for our best result in a while. Good night from the Minion and myself. Till next year!

00:26: And it's as the bookies have predicted: the flute-fetishist pixie takes it all. 

Well done Gianluca for our best result for some years now. You deserved it. — Charlo Bonnici (@charlobonnici) May 18, 2013

00:25: Lithuania: 12 points to Azerbaijan. 

00:24: Switzerland: 12 points to Italy - Malta drops to 8th place.

00:23: Croatia: 12 points to Ukraine. 

00:22: Voting continues - 3 points for Malta from Cyprus. 12 points to Greece.

00:21: It's official: Denmark is a clear winner. 

00:20: Macedonia: 3 points to Malta. 12 points to Denmark.

00:19: Georgia: 3 points to Malta. 12 points to Azerbaijan. Malta still in 7th place with 5 countries left.

00:18: Slovenia: 12 points to Denmark. Bookies will be getting rich tonight... 

00:17: Montenegro: 12 points to Azerbaijan. 

00:16: Denmark: 4 points to Malta, 12 points to Norway.

00:15: Ireland: 12 points to Denmark.

00:14: 3 points to Malta, 12 to Azerbaijan.

00:13: France: 2 points to Malta. Minion betrays scepticism about Prime Minister Joseph Muscat's chumminess with President François Hollande. 12 points to Denmark.

00:12: Iceland: 5 points to Malta. 12 points to Denmark! Flute-happy pixie is having a good night.

00:10: Germany: 5 points to Malta. 12 points to Hungary.

00:09: Malta gets 5 points from Estonia. 12 points to Russia. 

00:08: Malta's Emma Hickey: 8 to Italy; 10 to Ukraine; 12 to Azerbaijan. Must be the Fabrizio resemblence.

00:07: Russia voting. Minion flustered. Has cracked open the Rothmans Red. 12 points to eyebrowed maestro from Azerbaijan. 

00:06: Brussels - hope you translators came through! Nope: Malta drops to 7th place.

00:05: Bulgaria: 12 points to Azerbaijan. 

00:04: Top 3: Azerbaijan, Ukraine, Denmark. In that order.

00:03: Gianluca and entourage given spotlight on broadcast - we're back to voting. (Meanwhile, Minion brews coffee).

00:01: Latvia: 5 points to Malta. Points to Russia. Halfway through votes and Malta still in fifth place.

23:59: Belarus: 7 points to Malta! 12 points to the porny-expressions singer from Ukraine! 

23:58: Spain give one vote to Malta. 12 points to Italy.

23:57: Finland: 12 points to Norway, Malta knocked back to 5th place.

23:56: Malta in 4th place thanks to Itay! 

23:55: Armenia gives us 6 points! We drop to 5th place due to their 8 points to Greece though. 

23:54: Norway: 10 points to Malta! In 4th place! 

23:52: Azerbaijan: 8 points to Malta! 12 points to Ukraine.

23:31: Moldova: 12 points to Ukraine.

23:50: Romania: 5 points to Malta! Malta is in 6th place. 

23:50: Hungary: 8 points to Malta - Malta in 8th place. 

23:49: Ukraine: Malta gets 2 points; 12 points to Belarus. 

23:48: Serbia: 12 points to Denmark. 

23:47: Israel: 12 points to Azerbaijan. 

23:46: UK: 7 points to Malta, 12 points to Denmark.

23:45: Austria: 12 points Azerbaijan. 

23:44: Netherlands: 8 points to Malta! In the fourth spot... 

23:43: Albania: 12 points to Italy. 

23:41: Swedish presenter steps out of anime to give 12 points to Norway. 

23:30: Scores from San Marino - 10 points to Malta! Small nations unite! Greece in the lead.

23:40: EXCITEMENT! 

23:40: Minion: 'The presenter is wearing a duck!' 

23:36: Minion: '#theboss - in our case, #saviourbalzan'! 

23:36: 'It's getting really hot in here, so let's talk to the coolest guy in the room... hashtag the boss!' - someone's just discovered the newfangled wonder that is Twitter.

23:35: The Swedish presenter/former Eurovision hopeful looks like a bit of a... yeah. 

Time for votings! Malta & Norway all the way :)

— Coldplay Worldwide™ (@coldplayinworld) May 18, 2013

Lines are open! Please vote for MALTA! :) — Gianluca Bezzina (@GianlucaESC) May 18, 2013

23:16: Medley segues into 'Euphoria' and, obviously, cheers follow. Phone lines are still open, which means I continue to miss my friend's bachelor's party. Groan.

23:14: Minion is sceptical of Loreen's stage antics: 'She's still dead-set on sweeping the floor with her body. Has nothing changed over the past year? Feh!'

23:12: Last year's winner Loreen continues to prove that she's an actual musician. 

Europe, start voting for these cultural travesties that make the world pity our artistic paucity and self-loathing RIGHT NOW! #eurovision — Warren Ellis (@warrenellis) May 18, 2013

23:05: START VOTING NOW! LIONS VS CHRISTIANS SHOW IS OVER! 

23:03: Jean Paul-Gaultier revealed to be the coutourier for the presenter, and the rest of the crew. Something about 'mighty' and 'fallen'. 

23:03: Only love survives, come the last song. Good indication. 

23:00: Braveheart percussionists can't save Ireland's entry from cloying electro-beats.

22:59: The kind of thing you hear at a wedding. Next please.

22:55: Georgia are going chasing Waterfalls, despite TLC's persistent warning not to. Also, looks like they love the Disney.

22:49: 'I Feed You My Love' by Margaret Berger. Let that sink in for a while. Yep, it's a cannibal anthem sung by a Scandinavian angel.

22:48: Norway! A girl after my own cold, black heart. Hope she wears the white superhero suit again.

22:47: Is this guy Italian? Oh yeah. The suit.  

22:43: Oh look, Viking theme continues with Ukraine. Ashley Greene lookalike. (Very tasteful crotch-zoom Eurovision crew. Very tasteful. Can't blame you though - the porn-y facial expressions are... porny.)

22:42: Greece - fun. No two ways about it. 

22:41: Attractive hipster boys singing about free booze to a hearty folk-ska rhythm? It's not just the Minion who's intrigued. Top five, we reckon. 

22:39: Alcohol is free is recession-ridden Greece. Good to know. Minion: 'I wonder what's under those skirts. Are they wearing underwear?'

22:38: Female red carpet - nice touch. Will keep it in mind next time I'm entertaining. 

22:37: Bold career choice for Derren Brown, all things considered. 

22:35: Azerbaijan get all 'performance art' on us. The eyebrows are pure Eurovision, at least (Fabrizio, eat your heart out!).

22:32: The Las Vegas matinee idol... from Valhalla! 

22:31: Haha. I'm not typing that name. You're lucky I memorised the name of the ash cloud waybackwhen.

22:30: Iceland have musicians other than Bjork and Sigur Ros! Shock horror!

22:29: Pixie-like vocalist is a tad too excited about that flute methinks though... 

22:28: That's the biggest cheer the opening bars of a flute have received since the 1600s.

22:27: Favourites-to-win Denmark ready for the stage. Despite their country having snatched the awards twice. Greedy Scandi buggers.

21:26: It's that time of night. You know, the time of night when you switch from alcohol to coffee at a really bad party.

21:25: Chorus-hook sounds like 'barbagan'.  

21:23: Hungary's ByeAlex evokes Klinsmann too. Minion desires his hipster beanie.

22:21: While Sweden is withholding as to what is all because of you/us/me, here's The Guardian on our own Gianluca: "This singer is ridiculously endearing. He's so happy. He's so happy that he looks like he might actually start crying. It's like he's cut his mouth open, and then eaten an entire packet of salt and vinegar crisps, but he can't stop smiling because he doesn't want to look rude in front of whoever bought him the crisps. That's exactly what it's like. Oh, it's finished. Well done, vinegar-breath!" 

22:20: 'All because of you!' What is, Swedish boy? Pray tell, what is?!

22:19: Local boy from Sweden looks like a cross between Malta's Klinsmann and Anakin Skywalker form the Star Wars prequels.

22:17: Hmm trying to take advantage of web traffic, are we? 

Dan il-gvern hu kommess li jsaħħaħ it-turiżmu sportiv f’#Malta - Stefan Buontempo twitter.com/PL_Malta/statu… — Partit Laburista(@PL_Malta) May 18, 2013

22:16: Bonnie Tyler is on stage, asking us to believe in her. The Minion refuses to heed this basic command.

I loved the guy from Malta he seemed so adorable and happy and blessed to be there #Eurovision — Coldplay Worldwide™ (@coldplayinworld) May 18, 2013

22:12: Dracula via Boy George. Come on guys, what's not to love?

TWILIGHT TO WIN! #eurovision2013 #Romania — Richard Coates (@coatesofarms) May 18, 2013

22:11: Romania! My favourite! 

22:09: Shrewd comparison by a colleague: http://youtu.be/fPDl2g8Upvk 

22:08: 'Birds falling off rooftops', and she's dressed in black from head to toe while background music threatens to explode into a dirge. Is she 'nobody's wife' again by any chance?

22:06: Minion brings beer and Anouk coming up. All is well. More Rocky references! (Please let Sly Stallone turn out to be a special secret guest...)

22:03: Kinda-funny filler pseudo-documentary about Eurovision bureaucrats. Doesn't beat my pizza though, sorry.

22:00: Who would have thought that an aging Tony Iommi would compose a lukewarm rock-ballad? But in life you gotta take the good with the bad: perfect time to finish my pizza.

21:59: Black Sabbath's Tony Iommi composes Armenia's entry. Drugs are bad, kids. 

#eurovision is the soundtrack of a continent's death throes. — God (@TheTweetOfGod) May 18, 2013

21:56: 'Tonight we can be gloooorious!' She said while posing for a centre-spread.

Germany doesn't sound like Euphoria AT ALL. </sarcasm> — Davinia (@DaviniaHamilton) May 18, 2013

21:55: Cascada from Playboy Magazine. That is all you need to know.

21:52: You can always count on a journalist to deliver. Yes.

21:51: The Eurovision is all about smashing preconceptions. Russian entry coming up? Video clip of ballet.

21:50: Minion: Fingers crossed Gianluca! Well done! 

21:48: Well, the background graphics are nice.

21:47: Go Gianluca, all of Malta's behind you, and stuff.

21:46: Here we go! Minion: take over. Can't be anything but nice. 

21:44: There's no trash like Eastern European trash (and I should know). Also: is this the first instance of 'flame' for the night?

21:43: Ah, it's Belarus - emerging from a disco ball. Incidentally, this is the girl PBS mistook for Gianluca.

21:43: Attractive girl + Rocky-style montage. This bodes well. 

21:41: Panoramic camera on pretty pregnant lady! Woo-hoo! 

21:40: Ok I get it now, everything looks better in black and white. Sounds better too. 

21:39: Why is Estonian entry in black and white? 

21:39: Ok not to pick on our dear PBS commentators, but 'sympathy-pregnancy' jokes?

21:38: Sorry guys, my pizza is more compelling right now. 

21:36: 'Love kills over and over'. I think bad choreography does more damage though. 

21:35: Belgium Man sings a song about the murderous nature of love. Maltese expat translators: What's the deal with this monstrously eyebrowed freak?

21:33: Wow, this is boring. And I'm still waiting for my pizza. Grr. Minion! 

21:32: Ok, bagpipes prove it. Austerity measures have driven Spain to complete cultural appropriation. 

21:31: Spain with a song about Morpheus, the lord of dreams. Though the band is called ESDM... have an idea what may be in those dreams.

21:30: Ding dong kiss! 

21:28: Boring Katy Perry ripoff is boring. Can see why they opted for the lesbian kiss gimmick to liven things up. (and you don't so vocalise 'ding dong' if it's followed by an actual bell sound effect, dear).

21:27: Finland! The lesbians are here! Oh boy! 

21:25: Spectacular elevation effect. 

21:24: Hello, Space Barbie. Not sure what to make of you yet. Would help if you moved around a bit. Wait, you're riveted to the ground, aren't you?

21:24: 'Aliona Moon'? I'm expecting Gothic goodness... nope. Loving the Forbidden Planet getup though. 

21:23: Moldova next. (Where's my food?)

21:21: 'I'm in your head, I'm in your heart' - telepathic stalkery to complement Malta's own Jeremy.

21:20: Despite the dry delivery, Minion has already booked tickets to Lithuania. 'Because of my shoes,' spotted as lyric. See Chiara, you're there in spirit after all.

21:19: I have to tell you something. Minion is already smitten. 

21:18: Lithuanians to sing about 'Something'. Not gonna bother typing out his full name, it's enough that it sounds like 'pyjama'. 

21:16: Sultry number! Shame about the creepy floating tendril dress. Less chic Parisian club and more 'dodgy Tokyo BDSM joint'. 

21:15: Amandine Bourgeouis (France) takes the stage. PBS commentators make reference to her 'moistness'. No, we don't know either.

Very "witty" repertoire from the commentators huh. — Marco (@magnumt) May 18, 2013

21:14: 'Let the competition begin!' - Your gritted-teeth shout makes it sound like a lions vs Christians sort of deal. 

21:12: Scratch that. 'Live TV' Australia joke is the worst thing since Hangover II. 

21:12: 'Dancing queens' joke... could it be? A Eurovision presenter with a real sense of humour?

21:10: Pink presenter on stage! Petra Mede: I'm not giving a 'big hand' to Aviici, Bjorn and Benny. That just sounds rude.

Sponsored by Stabilo — Rachel Agius (@MaybeLaser) May 18, 2013

21:08: Gianluca mistaken for blonde bombshell by Maltese TV commentators. 'What happens in Sweden, I suppose...'

21:06 We have a German fan!

Malta gaat winnen — vester71 (@vester71) May 18, 2013

21:05: 'Dazzling' stage. Flag-waving time. 

21:03: Good on you for narrowly escaping death by dog-snack, Adorable Malmo Caterpillar! Trust the Norse to turn even a Eurovision intro into a picaresque epic.

21:02: Hello, Malmo caterpillar. Aren't you adorable? 

21:01: Pompous Euro-anthem! Here we go! 

20:52: That's more like it. 

Taċ-ċajt, il-votazzjoni għall-ġirien fil-Eurovision hija diżgustanti, imissna nibbojkottjaw... Sorry dan l-istatus kien għal-lejla suppost — Edward Bonello (@edbonello) May 18, 2013

20:51: Damn, the Guinness is frozen. Minion!!! 

20:48: That last post was by my chirpy minion. I'm not that happy yet (read: I haven't started drinking). 

20:45: We found this Joseph Muscat tweet from five hours ago in support of Gianluca... and our doctor singer has two cute little fans as well.

Don't leave for #Tomorrow what you can do today,especially tonight! Gd luck @gianlucaesc. My girls are 2 super-excited fans -JM #Malta #ESC — Joseph Muscat(@JosephMuscat_JM) May 18, 2013

20:30: Welcome to MaltaToday's Eurovision live-blog. I'm missing my friend's bachelor's party, I'm tired, and I have a very low tolerance level for loud, mass-produced Eurotrash music (one of these is a lie). Let's make this fun!