Parental roles in 2025: Has anything changed?

This week the debate has continued on why the Maltese birth rate is so low and why so many couples are thinking twice about having children at all, or stopping at one or, at the most, two.

What is crucial in this discussion is that it cannot be a diatribe from just one perspective but we have to be open to listening and understanding all aspects of the issue.

Women have a very wide platform on the Women for Women FB group (now numbering over 61k members), where I have lost count of how many describe what it’s like to have to carry all the responsibility once children come along. Add a full-time job to that equation and it is no wonder that so many mothers are burnt-out and exhausted. It also explains why they don’t want any more children. But when I read these anecdotes, I’m always keenly aware that we are only hearing one side of the story.

It was therefore with great interest that I watched a very lively and brutally honest discussion on The She Word, the Mums edition, which for a change featured dads. Despite the fact that they were constantly interrupting each other, some home truths emerged from the three fathers which lifted the lid on how men feel about becoming parents. While the woman carries the physical toll of carrying the baby, it is arguably just as difficult for the man to stand by and watch helplessly as his wife or partner goes through a rollercoaster of emotions—while he tries to stay strong and calm, quelling his own fears and apprehension as this new phase of their life approaches.

The hormonal turmoil and side effects of pregnancy are just the beginning, especially if there are complications. As any parent will tell you, once you have kids you basically never stop worrying. Some would argue the worry doesn’t even stop when they become adults, as there is always some problem which is brought back home for parents to help ‘fix’.

It is not surprising that one of the biggest stressors on a marriage is the arrival of children and that it is cited as one of the main reasons why some couples separate. Some men simply cannot handle the enormous daunting challenge of being fathers and they split, while others stay but ‘check out’ emotionally and physically and become workaholics, forcing the woman to do it all on her own, until she herself asks for a divorce.

The reasoning by a woman in this situation is understandable: If she is going to be a single mother within a marriage, she might as well be an actual single mother. This is not to say that all women are automatically maternal and become doting mothers overnight (there are many examples of women who have screwed up their children because they were unfit) but in the majority of cases, the main caregiver continues to be the woman.

It is not just being there for the children which puts pressure on a couple however, but the 1,001 jobs which come with being the person who runs the household. Let’s face it, if you don’t have children it is easier to get away with not cooking or not doing laundry on a regular basis and the house is decidedly less messy. With little human beings who are dependent on you though, the domestic chores and childcare obligations are never done. If a man has been raised in a family where there was equity (or a mother who worked) he is more like to implicitly understand that he is not ‘helping’ his wife by doing the dishes, but that it is part of the never-ending pile of housework and someone’s gotta’ do it.

This was beautifully illustrated by the following FB post taken from an interview: “Barack Obama once spent an entire Saturday following Michelle around their Chicago house with a notebook, writing down every single task she completed—laundry sorting, grocery list making, permission slip signing, bill paying, appointment scheduling, toy organising, meal planning—because she’d exploded at him the night before screaming that he had no idea how much invisible labour she performed daily while he got to focus solely on work and politics because she’d constructed a household that functioned so smoothly he never had to think about how it happened.

Michelle told Gayle King that watching Barack actually track her domestic labour for 12 hours was more impactful than any argument could have been, because by afternoon his hand was cramping from writing and he had only captured a fraction of what she managed constantly while also working full-time at the hospital, and his face had transformed from defensive skepticism to genuine horror as he realised their household only worked because Michelle was doing the work of two full people.

What history doesn’t capture is that Barack's notebook from that Saturday became a turning point in their marriage—he'd documented 47 separate tasks Michelle had completed before noon, and when he tried to help with laundry, he realised he didn’t know which clothes could be tumble-dried versus air-dried, didn't know where anything lived in their house, didn't know their daughters’ clothing sizes or their paediatrician’s name or when library books were due or which kid was allergic to which foods.”

Now let’s be clear—some women actually prefer for the household to be their domain; they want to be completely in control of the home and even to have the last say on how to raise children, in which case they are not in a position to complain that the man “does nothing”.  There is nothing worse than trying to do your share only to be criticised because you have not done it “their way”. It is when a woman genuinely asks for responsibilities to be shared and the husband constantly dodges and escapes using various excuses that resentment and anger set in.

It is also a mistake to generalise by putting everyone in the same basket. In today’s world where the couple work, I see many examples around me of men sharing the domestic workload which comes with raising a family. It is also a fallacy to claim that men are unable to take care of children—the nurturing role can be done by anyone who is willing. Whether it’s the school run, or making dinner, or doing the weekly shopping, I see a fairer distribution of chores and responsibilities than there was 30 years ago when the mentality and assumption was “it-tfal tal-mara” or “dak xogħol il-mara” (the children are the women’s job or that’s the woman’s role). In a society which is expecting mothers to go back to work immediately and in a culture where the educational and career aspirations of girls and young women are actively encouraged, a two income family is a given. And that means when everyone comes home, it’s all hands on deck to do what was usually done during the day by a stay-at-home mother.

Reading comments on FB following the discussion programme Popolin on this same topic, many women claimed that these days, chores and responsibilities are shared which is the most reasonable and just solution for a tranquil household. However, there seems to be a disconnect between these personal accounts on a public page, and the accounts on women only platforms where they lament that the distribution is still very unbalanced. Perhaps the reason for this discrepancy is that, compared to men who literally just lounge on the sofa after work, a man who does even 30% is considered a god send.

Of course, it is not just the respective gender roles which are heavily influencing the decision to have or not have children. People often mention the expenses involved and who is going to stay home with the kids when needed. But they don’t always mention the other white elephant in the room—put bluntly, it cramps your lifestyle. It’s a sacrifice. I’m not just talking about not having enough money for frequent holidays, designer clothes or the latest iPhone. It’s when you are planning to have a night out at long last, and one of the kids falls sick and you have to cancel. It’s not being able to stay out all night, stumble home dead drunk, sleep till noon and wake up with a hangover because the children wake up at 6am and want their breakfast. It’s wanting to stay home and vegetate all weekend after a stressful week but the kids are bouncing off the walls with excess energy and want to go somewhere where they can play.  It’s tailoring your life to meet their needs whether it is the scholastic year or homework or extra-curricular activities throughout their childhood and adolescence.

That is probably what some people (irrespective of gender) have decided they do not want to give up—the freedom of being a child-free couple which can do what they want, when they want.

There is no right or wrong in this because these are personal choices, but it certainly points to a shift in the Maltese mentality which has become more individualistic than ever before.  And if there is one thing which is incongruous with the selflessness needed for having children, it is the ‘me, me, me’ mindset.