Anger management courses: apply here

I think I’ve finally figured it out.

We’re not racist; we’re just angry. At everyone, and everything it seems. So we growl and snarl and occasionally even spit, because you know, it’s just too damn hot and what can you do out of sheer frustration and exasperation, when one administration after another seems determined to drive us insane with fancy new public transport systems which are introduced overnight and immediately cause chaos when they hit a technical glitch?

So here you go, my fellow epileptic-with-rage citizens; this is my list of possible classes you can take when Anger Management courses are finally introduced (which may, or may not be held at some soon-to-be-opened university located in a green area near you):

1. Forming a queue: the basics explained

Examples: No, you do not just sweep past the people in front of you and elbow your way to the counter because “you’re in a hurry” or “you only have one item”. However, if you ask me nicely, I might just let you go ahead of me.

2. Honking your horn. The Do’s and Don’ts

Cars do not have wings. A car in front of you stuck in traffic will not magically leap into the air and clear the way for you to zoom by just because you honk. Honking does not make red lights turn green, nor will it make a heavy monster of a truck move any faster up a steep hill. If you must insist on honking, just honk if you love Jesus.

3. How to stop saying “Go back to your country”

Warning: Hypnosis will be used in this class so students have to be willing to subject themselves to hypnotherapy. Success rate of 95% guaranteed. The other 5% have barricaded themselves in their homes and refuse to come out because there are too many foreigners.

4. Keeping your blood pressure under control in 5 easy steps

In this class, we will show you how to:

a. forget the concept of going to the office, and switch to working from home (not all employers will accept this, but there’s no harm in asking).

b. basically avoid using your car between 7am - 11am, 2pm - 4pm and 5pm - midnight

c. avoid the search for a parking spot by walking everywhere (the resulting weight loss is an additional bonus we throw in at no extra charge)

d. stop reading the comments section on news portals

e. avert your eyes every time you see English words like 'show' written as 'xow'

5. Other people’s obnoxious children – Advanced level

An intensive course, not for the faint-hearted. This will include fieldwork where students will be forced to endure screaming toddlers and rowdy 5 - 10 year olds in realistic scenarios such as dining out at a restaurant and watching a film at the cinema. Designed in the form of simulation therapy, students will eventually emerge being able to handle any type of bratty behaviour, without snapping.

6. Navigating automated customer care call centres

Experts will teach you how to get through to a human voice by carefully guiding you through the maze of  “press 1, press 2, press 3” which has now become the norm for many companies.  Soothing zen music will enhance the experience, possibly supplemented by breathing exercises (and in drastic cases, Valium) to alleviate panic attacks.

7. Spitting: when, where, why, how (and at whom)

An extremely fascinating analysis of the history of spitting.  The density, velocity, ferocity and of course the accuracy of the spit is discussed at length. At the end of this class, students will learn that in most civilized countries, it is only really socially acceptable at a dentist’s office when you are instructed to gargle and then spit into the little sink. Or else, in the privacy of your home, when you have finished brushing your teeth.

8. Decibel levels: Examining the exact moment when eardrums burst.

Another highly interesting class, which also takes students out into the field, where (if they wish and only after signing a personal liability waiver) they can subject themselves to a range of experimental tests. Petards. Club music. Xarabank. A gathering of more than 3 people “discussing” football/politics/festi/the latest referendum.  All this and many more real-life scenarios will be used as case studies. (Earplugs supplied on request).

This is just a taste of what can be expected from this course. The more enterprising students might wish to take up “ Anger Management in the Maltese Islands” as a subject for their thesis. This course is highly recommended for the general public in a bid to turn Malta into a gentle mild-mannered isle where not an angry word is spoken, everyone gracefully waits their turn, and racism is something we only see on American cop shows.

Now excuse while I allow myself one last spit... Haaaak ptuh.